ENFP Monday, Aug 18 2008

No matter which personality test I take, I always end up the same. It really does describe me perfectly, faults and all.

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You’re quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don’t follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don’t get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What’s Your Personality Type?

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Lack of Time Friday, Aug 15 2008

I haven’t had much time for blogging.  My “bonus son,” as I have taken to calling him, is still living with me and DH and my baby has been dealing with teething.  Frankly, I’m pretty tired.  I’ve done a lot of thinking, though, during the day and night about my life, being a mom, being a stepmom, having to deal with DH’s ex-wife, etc…  I am decidedly in a much better place.  To be honest, meeting her was a good thing. Extending myself to share stories and pictures with her over the summer was a good thing.  Allowing myself to try to empathize with her was a good thing.  It has, at least for the moment, brought me some peace. 

I read a quote recently that hit me pretty hard.  It hit me about many people in my life, not just DH’s Ex.  It said, “Resentment is letting someone live in your mind, rent-free.”  Many, many people are currently occupying space in my brain rent-free.  Time to start charging! 

So, until my son gets over his teething and the croup he’s developed as well as bonus son returning to his “other” home next weekend, I will leave you with that quote.  Have a great weekend.

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Aftermath of Bulimia Friday, Aug 8 2008

I haven’t talked much about my former eating disorder in this blog very much. In some ways, it is a topic I now avoid because I haven’t induced vomiting in over a year and that was part of a life I’d rather forget. However, my 7-year addiction to bulimia is now simply a part of who I am as a person moving forward. I can’t escape that time of my life because so much happened during it that has set my life course. The long-term effects just on me alone are staggering. The ways that my ED has rippled to those I have come in contact with are immeasurable. I simply have to accept that fact no matter how horrified I am. I didn’t even realize, until recently, just how bad I was during that time. I am well today because of 3 factors:

1) I got out of my first marriage. As saddened as I am to say this, I do not believe I would have gotten well in time before I either a) died or b) killed myself remaining married to my first husband. It grieves me on so many levels to admit that because he is not a bad person. He was simply fundamentally toxic to me as an individual.

2) I met my current husband. Yes, I was still married. Yes, he was too. There are consequences of this I’ll talk about later. However, the fact remains that he saved my life. He saw someone within me, buried as it was, that he liked and thought the world needed to have. He spent hours, days, immeasurable amounts of time just simply being there for me.

3) I got pregnant. A seemingly inopportune time turned into the best “mistake” of my life. Pregnancy balanced the rest of me out in a way I couldn’t see until very recently. While I was perfectly comfortable hurting myself, once my destructive behavior towards myself was hurting another living being, I couldn’t do it anymore. I am forced every day to take care of myself because that life depends on me.

Though I am “well,” recovery is a daily process in the sense of, I still have to fight my tendencies because of anxiety and depression, I still feel the physical effects and I have to deal with what I did at my worst thereby causing anxiety and depression that I continue to deal with on a daily basis.

Every day I sit at work I am grateful that I still have my job. My performance was TERRIBLE for about a year. The only way I can explain it is this. Think about the most hungry and most tired you have ever been at work. Then think of how you felt. Maybe you recall headaches, being jittery, your mind focused on getting some food and sleep. Maybe there was also just an inabilty to focus. Now take all of that and multiply that every work day over a year with compounding results. I was going to work every day malnurished with an electrolyte imbalance on top of severe depression and anxiety disorder and who knows what other hormonal imbalances. I couldn’t concentrate, remember simple tasks and instructions, deal well with others and just do my job.

My entire day was planned around food and when I could throw it up. At its worst, that was 2-4 times just during work hours alone. When I wasn’t focused on eating and throwing up, I was focusing on covering up my addiction and overcompensating in my behavior so people wouldn’t know. And until it got bad enough, I was a PRO at covering up. On top of all of that, I had gained weight because my stomach had simply stopped processing food correctly. All of my bulimic activities that were supposed to keep me thinner were making me fatter. Of course, none of that made sense at the time so I would go off the deep end even more throwing up trying to take the weight off. My self-esteem and body image were at ZERO. While I am not on People’s 50 Most Beautiful, I am attractive and shapely enough that, under normal circumstances, I do not need to try to be noticed. I never cared that much before either. However, when you have no self-esteem, low body self image, and are 30 lbs heavier than you are comfortable with (for a short frame, that’s a lot), you start to act desperate. I was making myself “available” for flirting and such while I was married because my husband was ignoring me. I need to get a self-esteem fix somewhere.

As a result of my bulimic induced stupidity, I put myself into numerous situations in which I was lucky, quite frankly, that I wasn’t raped, kidnapped or killed. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was sexually assaulted because I made a very poor judgment call on trusting a business colleague while on a business trip. To this day, the shame that comes with that incident…well, I just can’t go there. I don’t even remember most of it other than waking up in a strange hotel room laying in some of my own blood because I was having my period.

The more well I get, the more I’m aware of the damage to myself and others that I caused. I have to work every day at reminding myself that I am better and that many decisions were made under duress, stress and depression. I would not make most of the same decisions. And even that is hart because, while some have been destructive, I would not have my wonderful husband, nor my beautiful son. I can only regret but so much.

I’m not sure how to end this post. I’m simply aware and processing. I am trying to take the lessons I learned coming out of that time and live my life better and more full. My eating disorder will always be with me though. It just doesn’t have to rule me.

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Meeting SS’s Mommy Wednesday, Jul 30 2008

Well, we finally met. After 2 years of avoidance, it all came down to this weekend. Meeting my stepsons’s mom. And to be honest, it went fine.

So here’s the story…

Friday night, BM was supposed to meet us at SS’s “school.” She went to the wrong one though and had to end up just meeting us at the house. When she got there, I tried to just act like her being there was normal and this wasn’t the first time. SS was very excited to show her all of his toys, room, etc… She ended up staying for about 45 minutes. About 30 minutes longer than I originally expected. She wrote several times before getting here that she didn’t know if she could handle being at the house (she used to live there) blah blah blah. It must not have been too bad though because she tolerated it just fine and I didn’t get any weird vibes off of her. I think we both had effectively “blocked” ourselves so not to be pinging emotions back and forth.

The weekend ended up being good for me. I went to St. Augustine with my mom and my son to visit my aunt. Both Friday and Sat. nights DH and I were able to get in some much needed “cuddle” time that normally is rushed due to SS. On Sunday, DH’s parents came up from a neighboring town where they “winter” and spent some time with the baby. Originally BM was bringing SS back around 4:30 so they hung out to see him. She called DH’s cell (I answered) to say she wasn’t going to be there until 6 because he was in the pool, melting down, needing food, etc… DH’s parents continued to hang out, but when BM got there, SS was still asleep. BM and DH stood outside talking for a long time. I was later told that she was really upset because SS was so upset about her leaving. Not saying he wasn’t truly upset but it was exacerbated by the fact his sleep schedule was off and he really hadn’t been eating much either (the blood sugar thing). It was decided that he should be brought in and allowed to nap and that BM would stay until he woke up so she just wouldn’t be gone.

I dropped a few hints that DH’s parents should go. It would be too much for SS to deal with so they did end up leaving. That left BM with me and DH. She stayed in SS’s room for the first 30-45 min. When it became apparent that SS was not ready to wake up, I offered her some wine which she drank in the bedroom. Finally she emerged while DH and I were at the table finishing dinner (I did offer dinner but she had eaten at Fazoli’s. She did say she would have rather had what I fixed but she was too full.) I offered another glass which she accepted. She stood talking to us for about another 30-40 minutes. We actually did joke around some. She was mostly comfortable. She wouldn’t sit down at the table (which I actually understood) but she did stay and talk. I had to feed My son and in the meantime BM woke SS up so he could start the warming up process. I suggested we put on some Sponge Bob (his new favorite show) and get him some juice. Both were eagerly accepted by SS to which both DH and BM said good call on my part. Two Sponge Bob episodes later and lots of laughing, SS was ok and ready to show Daddy and me his new books that Mommy had bought him for his birthday. When BM announced she was leaving (for whatever reason she made a point of telling us she was going to Uno’s to meet up with some of her old mom friends), SS simply replied, “Ok mom. Love you.” And waved her off. DH did take him outside so he could wave bye. BM said goodbye to me and thanks for the wine.

The whole thing was so bizarrely normal, I could hardly get over it. I guess we had gotten a sense of each other via email and webchats, but still. It was almost a little too…friendly. I’m just waiting for some sort of bad aftermath. DH called her later to tell her that SS had gone back to bed with zero difficulties and this morning we both realized he had only woken up and called for DH once. He had a great day at school with no behavior problems and was an absolute peach all evening. Its almost like her visit recharged him. I was prepared for behavior issues, meltdowns and “I want my mommy!” So…maybe the visit was the right thing at the right time for all involved.

The one thing that was a little weird for me was her interacting with my son. She avoided him at first, and that was fine with me, but she did talk to him from a distance a few times. At one point, DH was holding him while I did something in the kitchen. All of a sudden I heard my son just cracking up from the other room. When i peeked out of the doorway, I saw BM making silly faces to My son while DH held him and My son was just cracking up at her. That was WEIRD!

All in all though, It’s simply in everyone’s best interest to be friendly…not friends. I don’t want to be friends with her, but I would like to have a friendly and amicable relationship with her. It will just make everything to do with SS soooo much easier. I know she feels like we signed her up for an invasion and frankly, I feel the same way. We all have a loss of privacy. It is just the nature of divorce and children. However, it doesn’t mean we have to be miserable.

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The Perfect Song Wednesday, Jul 23 2008

This past week has spurred a lot a introspection and reflection.  My husband’s ex-wife coming has stirred up a lot of emotions, regret and sadness that I don’t often revisit.  I made a lot of mistakes and behaved in ways that I am not proud of.  I have reasons, but no excuses.  But the long and short of it is, I screwed up. Sometimes it is difficult to reconcile because the life and love I have now I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I’ve been exploring the concept of forgiveness.  Namely what my faith has to say about it.  I often read about the rules and judgment in the New Testament regarding divorce, affairs, remarrying, etc…and I leave it fully understanding why many turn away from the Church.  It is discouraging to make mistakes, to be human, and be ostracized or judged by those who have not walked in your shoes.  Jesus, above all, talks about forgiveness and his love for all of his children who believe.  Somehow that message has been lost, even by me.

Anyway, I was in my car today driving home from work.  It was one of the rare days I was alone since usually my husband and I ride ride to and from work together.  I slipped in a collection of Amy Grant songs for something quiet.  Usually I skip around to the ones that are familiar and ignoring the ones I have never heard.  Today I didn’t and I found a song that really spoke to me.  In fact, so much so that I started crying.  I found a comfort and peace to the lyrics and music that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’ve decided to post it.

I can’t relive my life
I can’t retrace my tracks
I can’t undo what’s done
There is no going back

I chased a selfish dream
Did not survey the cost
Illusions disappeared
I’ve found my innocence lost

Some say it’s lessons learned
Some say it’s a living life
I say it’s choices made
Knowing wrong from right

One night I fought to sleep
In my slumber I turned and tossed
I woke to a cloudy day
And found my innocence lost

Innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in her father’s arms
Sleeps while a mother sings

There’s no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh, to be innocent

My heavenly Father
The way of eternal love
That overflows with grace
I can completely trust

My broken heart repaired
And all my sin forgot
I can be pure again
In spite of my innocence lost

In his eyes I’m a newborn child
Cuz I accept his love
I have a newfound hope
Though I’ve found my innocence lost

I can be pure again

I’ve found my innocence lost

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Procrastination, Boredom and Minutia Friday, Jul 18 2008

All week I’ve been sitting at my desk wondering what the hell is my problem.  I can’t force myself to do any real work of consequence to save my life.  The constant “processes” talk and “stragetic planning” is driving me up a wall.  I waste my time researching things that don’t matter.  I procrastinate doing anything of real importance.  Seriously, what is my deal?

In response, I “wasted” another half of a day researching possible causes.  I came up with, this has always and forever been a part of my personality.  Sure enough, after taking another Myers-Brigg personality test, I rang up an ENFP as usual.  Every description I read is 100% accurate to how I function, react, relate, etc…  Major problems for ENFP’s, especially at work, are in the areas of boredom, follow-through and details.  While I consider myself “detail oriented,” I only mean that in terms of “no detail escapes my notice.”  I said nothing about that I actually do something about the details nor that I continue to pay attention to them once I’ve noticed.  While I’m smart and strategic, I don’t care to see projects through to completion.  Discovery is way more interesting than the minutia of bringing the project to life. 

Hence hating my job.  If my job was truly and 100% about client management, I’d be fine.  Nothing makes me happier or energizes me more than helping clients and keeping them happy.  However, handling contract details, calling and making sure the other people do their job and actually look at the contract, and fulfilling the contract details is just simply not my thing.  We also have a new system that I simply “can’t” use.  I hate forced systems.   I hate being boxed in and having too many processes (not of my choosing) that I have to follow.  While I see the need for such things in general and the big picture benefit, I still can’t stand to use them. 

I need to focus on a new career.  If I had really thought through everything at 17, I wouldn’t have gone to the same college of my ex-husband (then boyfriend).  I wouldn’t have majored in such a generic area (communications).  I would have probably gone to Duke or Kansas University… and majored in criminal justice and psychology with the intent of becoming a profiler.  Either that or I should have gone to law school like I wanted to before I was stupid enough to give up my dreams to graduate early (college in 3 years) and get married.

Hindsight 20/20.  So what have I learned?  Stop applying for jobs that require detail management and seeing projects to completion.  Smart doesn’t translate into long-term “doing.” Stop applying for jobs at family owned companies masquarading as corporations.  Stop applying for jobs in big companies that don’t have a good centralized system of management.  Stop applying for jobs in industries that are grossly affected by economic up and downs.  Start assessing my God-given strengths in terms of best career matches.  Start looking for small-mid sized companies where employees love to work.  Interview employees that work there to assess management.  Really research a company’s benefit package before deciding to work there.  And above all…I need to find something I can be passionate about long-term.

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Is there a normal? Thursday, Jul 17 2008

What is a normal stepfamily?  Is there even such a thing?  I am woefully unprepared due to a massive lack of resources and community for stepfamilies.  I’m dealing with meeting the ex-wife/mother-of-SS in two weekends.  What started off as a positive sounding “family” time for SS and the rest of us to get to know one another has digressed into the ex backing off and saying she’s just not ready for it and she just simply wants to meet me then take SS off for some of the weekend (cutting into my husband’s summer time with his son) by herself. 

Believe me, I was less than thrilled at her coming down.  Originally it was to be this weekend for SS’s birthday.  It would have been DH’s parents, my parents, SS, me, DH and our baby.  And then her.  Originally she was also coming down with someone that she is seeing (yay she’s moving on), but then he couldn’t make it.  Then she decided she couldn’t handle the group and thought she’d come down a different weekend. THEN she books the flight without asking us for a date confirmation.  But it was ok because she was planning on doing some “group” activities so SS could see us interacting as a “family.”  Now its just digressed into, I’m still coming, I want to spend time with my son, but I can’t handle anything more than a quick introduction with you. 

So…what’s the point?  Why does she now need to make a special trip to eat into our time with him?  Why come at all?  If she were driving, most likely she’d back out.  Now that she’s booked the flight, she’s kind of stuck unless he wants to pay to get out of it.  While I think she and I need to meet (its been almost two years for heaven’s sake), we can do that when we return SS. 

I guess you could say at the very least we’ve had civil email conversations and have gotten better about that.  We’ve “met” over the webcam.  But seriously, if I were divorced with a child and my child was staying with my ex and a new wife, I’d sure as HELL want to meet her and check her out.  While I wouldn’t like the new wife’s place in my personal life, I’d be making as much effort as possible to get to know her so I know who my child was spending time with.  But that’s just me. 

Again, I ask…what’s normal here?

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Just some blithering… Thursday, Jul 17 2008

I’m stressed.  I’m sure some of it is a product of serious sleep deprivation.  My 4 month old baby has been displaying some symptoms of possible teething with low-grade fever, wanting to gnaw on everything in site and being more inconsolable than usual.  He still is happy, smiling and giggly, but the nights are just terrible!

 

My husband is grossly unhappy at his job.  Unfortunately we work at the same place as well so I have a feeling that our respective attitudes and performances have an effect on how others perceive us.  We were an “office affair” as well, we’ve have had a baby together, etc… so I think there is some attitude towards the both of us from that standpoint as well.  

 

The job unhappiness is leading towards DH looking for another job…in another state closer to his son.  As long as he tolerated his job at our company, I held out hope that we might be here for a few years.  I don’t think that is going to be the case.  He wants to move us around 9 hours away from my family closer to his son and his ex-wife since he is currently 9 hours away.  I don’t completely begrudge him that desire, but it starts me down a path of HATING his ex for being so awful as to move their son so far away from his Daddy.  And it had everything to do with her and nothing to do with what was good for their son.  I have to pay the price.  Not only do I get to spend more time with her and have my life invaded, but it’s at the expense of me keeping my sanity around my own family.  

 

And speaking of the ex, I get to finally meet her face-to-face.  She had mused coming down here for her son’s 4^th birthday.  She wasn’t able to work it out.  I had called her flaking on that and seriously thought she’d flake on the whole thing, but then she surprised both me and DH yesterday by sending us a flight she had already booked for the following weekend.  She had asked if we were free over the next few weekends. I had replied yes, but I didn’t think she was just going to book the flight without asking us.

 

*sigh*  So now I am inevitably going to stress out over this meeting for the next 10 days.  Of course now I have to book a hair appt to get a new cut and some major color done.  I might book a mani/pedi as well along with finding a new outfit.  No way am I going to meet her looking like a frump.  Not that I do really…but, you know.  This is kind of a big deal.  I’d imagine she’s going to go through some of the same since she’s avoided meeting me for 2 years now.  I’m the “new” wife. The one that “replaced” her.  I’m sure she’ll make every effort to look great and be as agreeable and mature as possible.

 

We’ve had a few back and forth emails where she has acknowledged certain things were going to be hard.  I’ve done the same.  We were getting WAY ahead of ourselves with thinking either of us could handle large group activities and multiple times at that.  Too much too soon.  I ended up writing her an email and simply asked if we could just meet and go from there.  I think both of us are extremely curious about the other, but don’t know how real life is going to go.  I guess we’ll see.

 

I still need to book that hair appointment though…

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A Follow-Up Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I was telling my husband about my post and all of the reading I had done.  He did remind me of the fact that he asked for extra time that she very quickly relinquished.  Additionally, despite having webchats 3 times a week and that both husband and I keep her informed of his life down here with stories and pictures, she has not pursued a lot of contact and connection with her son.  And that I find weird.  It is all true.  She’s a very different mother.  I’m not suggesting she doesn’t love nor miss her son, but I don’t think it is to the extent that many moms would.  So, she either trusts me and her ex completely (highly doubtful), she has us under some kind of surveillance we are unaware of, or she is just a very different woman and mother and I truly can’t relate.

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So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

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