I Would Have… Sunday, Jun 15 2008

My first college roommate decided to join the seemingly rest of the nation and sign up for Facebook. Admittedly when I first saw her, I was hesitant to contact her. However, I was intrigued that her profile said her maiden name and I knew she had gotten married a year after she graduated from college. So, I sent her a friend request. Sure enough, she also noticed I too had a different last name than before. She again apologized, in her own way, for being part of my wretched freshman year. That behind us, I found myself recounting, yet again, the tale of my failed marriage and found true love. Whenever I do this, I start thinking again of what really went wrong. When this happens, I also find a new slant, or perspective, through which I run my thinking.

The week before my stepson arrived, I was going through some old papers and I found the folder that contained all of the emails my ex-spouse sent me after I left him. I glanced through a handful of them shaking my head at the contents, but one in particular did stand out and I paused for some reflection. I kept seeing over and over again, “I would have done this” and “I would have done that.” I remember an email my husband showed me that his ex-spouse had written him that said the same thing. It was something along the lines of, “I would have searched the depths of my soul to find something good with you again.” Those weren’t the exact words but that was the gist.

After conversing with several others that have been through similar situations, the story seems to be the same. The spouse that gets left says, “I would have…to stay with you.” Well, why didn’t you? Why didn’t you sell your car? Why didn’t you stop staying at work so late? Why didn’t you search your soul? Why didn’t you re-prioritize? Why didn’t you simply look outside of yourself?

I am still surprised when others are surprised that their spouse finally decides to leave, or ask for a separation, or a divorce, or has an affair, etc… (This does not mean I am justifying or condoning here.) But if a spouse is surprised by something like this, other than in extreme circumstances, it just shows that the left spouse has not been paying attention. Even worse than the narcissim is if the spouse HAS been paying attention, knows something is wrong, and does nothing. And an even sorrier state is when the leaving spouse went to the left spouse and said, “we have problems. I think we should go to counseling.” And then the left spouse doesn’t agree, won’t go, or is in complete denial.

I would have… To the leaving spouse that this gets said to, this phrase means NOTHING by the time it is said. If you have to say “I would have…” in the first place, that means that there were things you knew you should have been doing and simply chose not to for whatever reason. Usually arrogance or the belief that you can ignore, take advantage of, crap on, etc…and the other person simply has to put up with it because they are married to you. Wrong thinking.

After one failed marriage, and being the person that left after 10 years of being taken advantage of and ignored emotionally, “I would have” simply does not cut it in a solid relationship. EVERY DAY should be comprised of, “I am going to do everything in my power today to love, appreciate and be affectionate to my partner. He deserves the very best of me before anyone else.” Granted there are some days where my best that day is simply saying I love you with a kiss as he walks out the door and back through it, but because most days are spent adoring him and receiving it back, I can say with confidence that during the hard days when I’m not at my best, he still walks out the door knowing he is fully loved and fully appreciated for just being himself and the person I love more than anything on this planet.

Don’t ever say “I would have…” Just do. Just simply do.

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Having a difficult time Wednesday, Jun 11 2008

I have to admit something. I am having a very difficult time with with my stepson being here. On one hand, I am very happy that both daddy and son get a huge chunk of time together. For both of their well-beings, it is a great thing. However, I’m still struggling so much with viewing him as an invasion. Yes, I knew when I married my husband, he was part of the deal. I love the boy as much as I can. I care for him and am constantly concerned for him. I don’t know what I’m having such a problem. I think it can be boiled down to a few issues. The summer stay was something that came together very quickly and without much warning to me. It went from a week to 11 weeks. My own son with my husband is only 10 weeks old. I had hoped on some more time for just daddy and son #2…but more importantly between mommy and son since I have to go back to work soon. My days are already going to be spent away from him and soon I will have to divide my evening time as well. I’m simply not ready for it. I have no idea how to get over this. I am trying to focus on the good all of this will bring for everyone else, but that still doesn’t help my selfish thoughts.

I’m also upset with my husband constantly saying how bad he feels about Son #1 having to go to daycare during the day while he’s down here. Um…HELLO? His first son got almost 3 years at home with his mother before the divorce and before she had to go back to work. It is normal for three and four year olds to go to some sort of pre-school. It certainly isn’t a stretch for him to be at school at 4-years of age. I feel bad that it is a new school and that he had to leave friends behind, but still, that’s still within the realm of normal.  My son is going to be in daycare at 3 months.  3 MONTHS!  The one he should feel sorry for is the young one who will never be able to experience his mommy caring for him while he is young.  I’m sick about it.

Random ranting…not really productive other than the fact its out there.  Any step-parent suggestions?  I don’t really know what to say when husband keeps asking, “Isn’t this great?”  Umm…not really.

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Gaining an Identity Monday, Jun 9 2008

Now that I’m a mom, I’m rather curious when I hear/read other moms say that they feel like they lost their identity when they had their child(ren). In many of these cases, the woman is trying to do things to reclaim the self she feels like she lost.

After the birth of my son, I felt like I gained an identity, not lost one. Yes, there are times when my new identity conflicts with a piece of me that was already in existence, but I don’t feel a sense of loss nor do I mourn the self I used to be or the self I could have been without a child.

I’ve “lost” my identity before. I did not simply drift away, I dropped myself in a 6 foot hold and buried my self for a number of years. The daughter, friend, student, colleague, etc… that others had come to love, admire and respect vanished and was replaced by an out of control and miserable person that would just as soon take a knife to her wrists as feel any real emotion. My values, beliefs and guiding principles were ignored. I no longer recognized myself and neither did those that knew me best. THAT is losing your identity.

I guess after going through that and truly rediscovering myself and reaffirming my faith and beliefs, having my baby was a step towards becoming the person I feel that I was meant to be. Adding “Mom” to my identity and line-up of titles has been thrilling. That’s not to say that I don’t miss having an hour to go to the gym or cook some fabulous gourmet dinner or being able to drop everything to spend time with a friend. But I haven’t lost any of those things. They are simply part of my identity that gets shelved in favor of a new one.

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Permission to Not Care Monday, Jun 9 2008

I am currently working on giving myself permission to not care. That sounds like a simple task, especially when it is towards two people that have had a seriously negative impact on my life. For an empath though, it is a serious challenge.

The first person I am seeking to give myself permission to cease caring is towards my ex-husband.  I do not wish him ill-will.  In fact, I feel quite the opposite.  I hope he finds the kind of happiness that I’ve found.  However, I do not want to hear from him unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary.  He finally found out I was re-married on a fluke and decided to text me and send me an email.  First off, I did not get the text and, from his subsequent email, is probably a good thing since he apologized for it and then went on to how “shocked” he was but was happy for me and would continue to pray for me.  In my previous life, I would have labored for hours over a response to this and explained and apologize for him being caught off guard, etc…  But not now.  I have given myself permission to cease caring about his feelings.  I am no longer his wife; he is no longer my husband.  I do not owe him anything and he does not ow me anything.  When two people divorce, unless there is something binding like a child, you are, for all intents and purposes, through with each other.  For my current marriages sake and for my own sanity, despite the fact I spent a decade with this person, I have to allow myself to not care about his life nor his family nor any part of our past life together.  And that’s hard!  I cared about some of his family.  I hope they are alright.  I hope they are happy.  But I can’t take up space in my life caring about them.  And I can’t continue to worry or care about what my ex-husband thinks about me, my choices or my current life.  Those need to be his feelings to manage now.

And the second person I need to give myself permission to not care is towards my husband’s ex-wife.  I think because of the circumstances of how my husband and I got together, I have a lot of guilt.  I have sought approval from her that I am never going to get.  I have put myself out there only to be hurt…and somewhat rightfully so.  She doesn’t owe me anything and I have no right to expect that she is going to respect me in any way.  And that’s ok.  I shouldn’t need that or even want that.  But because I am forever tied to her via my stepson, I’ve tried, in vein, to understand this other woman that is in my life.  But I really need to release myself from caring about her above and beyond the care I would give to any passerby in my life.  It is an exercise in futility and probably perceived as an invasion, if not inappropriate and crass, from her end.

Ah the tangled web we weave…  I just need to focus my emotional energy where it needs to go and that is towards my husband, my baby and then my stepson and other family and friends.  Those are the people that need my best.

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The Need To Be Heard Monday, Jun 9 2008

I wanted to repost an older post of mine I wrote back in July 2006 when I was absolutely at rock bottom and trying to process the thought of leaving my husband (and I did).  I’ve been rereading some of my old writing and this one struck me as still being so relevant to so many people and it continues to remind to listen to others.  People just need to be heard! (The husband referred to in this post is my ex-husband now.)

The Need To Be Heard

I have so much to say
But no voice to be heard
So all of my thoughts
Lie just under the surface
Bubbling and stewing
Just waiting for the opportunity
When I find myself
And I can finally scream out loud

It occurred to me that the need to be heard is probably one of the most fundamental needs a human can have. We need acknowledgement. We need someone to look at us. We need to know that others know we exist. We need to know that not only do others know we exist but that our existence means something.

I used to judge my husband’s mother a lot. She left my husband’s dad for several months and then decided to file for divorce. She left three children, however, getting custody after the divorce. I used to sit there and think, “How could a mother do that to her children? Was her life so bad? She’s so selfish!” One night though, I let her talk about that situation and I tried to listen with an open mind. I had heard plenty from my husband’s dad. I heard how he tried to get her to stay and think about the children, etc… He always found a way to not take responsibility for the situation and make it all about her. However, that night I listened to her. What she had to stay didn’t register with me until just recently as I’ve been acknowledging my own thought deficiencies.

Her problem boiled down to the fact that she felt she was no longer heard. And in fact, knowing my husband’s father, I would wager she was not. The one person she wanted most to support her as a person, support her goals, support her dreams, etc… was not listening. She had grown and changed as a person and wanted different things out of life than before. She no longer felt safe to become the person she felt was brewing inside. She felt stuck. She felt UNHEARD and therefore, unimportant and invalidated. That feeling can drive people to do really crazy things. She didn’t know what else to do so she left. She left to be heard. She left so she didn’t do the one thing that she had rolled around and that was ending her own life.

I look at my own situation right now and what I have been doing to myself and it really boils down to the same thing. I am not being heard. I feel like I am screaming and screaming. And everyone is just acting like nothing is wrong. I finally feel like I understand where my husband’s mom was coming from. Invalidation makes me feel like a caged animal. It must have made her the same way. Desperate. Asking “What do I have to do to get someone’s attention?” Her answer may have not been the best one, but when you are that desperate to feel “normal,” anything seems better than where the mind is at in the moment.

The need to be heard. The need to feel validated. The need to feel like you are free to be yourself. Yes, those needs are so important. Most importantly to feel all those things from the person who is supposed to love you more than anything. And the feeling of total rejection and emptiness one feels when that person doesn’t even acknowledge that there is so hurtful.

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I should be sleeping Sunday, Jun 8 2008

But I’m not.  I am still up at 12:30am trying to have an hour that is all my own while everyone else, including DH, is asleep.  I am overwhelmed right now at having my DH’s time and attention currently being hogged by his son who is living with us for 11 weeks.  To his credit, he is doing a good job thus far at making sure most everything we do is done as a family so a) his son feels part of our family since he does not live with us most of the year and b) he shows me that he is not partial.

We’ll see how the weeks ahead develop!

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Relief! Sunday, Jun 8 2008

I had a previous post about being bothered by emotional energy left on furniture and how the current furniture in the nursery for my son was causing environmental issues for me. Well, after more discussion with my husband and making it clear to a non-empath how that furniture made me feel, he agreed to offer it back to his ex to take to furnish their son’s room at his mom’s house.

My suspicions that she was bothered by the nursery furniture being used by me for my baby with her ex-husband was more than confirmed. Even though she had refused it several times, DH offered it back to her again to use in their son’s room in his house. He really didn’t think she would take it due to no room and the fact HE picked it out and HIS parents bought it as a gift.  However, she jumped on it like a turkey vulture to some roadkill.  I was rather surprised that she didn’t at least pretend momentarily to not want it back.  Oh well.  This solves several problems and hopefully everyone can be happy.

My nearly 4-year old stepson has never had his own room.  He still sleeps in his mother’s room at their house (please don’t get me started on my feelings regarding this) but at least at this point has his own bed.  Part of our goals this summer is to get him into his own room (bye-bye my nursery sanctuary) so that he can have his own room when he goes back to his mom’s house in August.  Having “his” furniture back might help with continuity.  I get to pick out my son’s furniture that can be 100% his with no other emotions attached…nor obligation.  And EX can quit filling her head with evil thoughts about me due to me using the furniture.  It is a win-win all around.  Chalk one up for the stepmom.

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My Little Family Sunday, Jun 8 2008

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

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