Meeting SS’s Mommy Wednesday, Jul 30 2008

Well, we finally met. After 2 years of avoidance, it all came down to this weekend. Meeting my stepsons’s mom. And to be honest, it went fine.

So here’s the story…

Friday night, BM was supposed to meet us at SS’s “school.” She went to the wrong one though and had to end up just meeting us at the house. When she got there, I tried to just act like her being there was normal and this wasn’t the first time. SS was very excited to show her all of his toys, room, etc… She ended up staying for about 45 minutes. About 30 minutes longer than I originally expected. She wrote several times before getting here that she didn’t know if she could handle being at the house (she used to live there) blah blah blah. It must not have been too bad though because she tolerated it just fine and I didn’t get any weird vibes off of her. I think we both had effectively “blocked” ourselves so not to be pinging emotions back and forth.

The weekend ended up being good for me. I went to St. Augustine with my mom and my son to visit my aunt. Both Friday and Sat. nights DH and I were able to get in some much needed “cuddle” time that normally is rushed due to SS. On Sunday, DH’s parents came up from a neighboring town where they “winter” and spent some time with the baby. Originally BM was bringing SS back around 4:30 so they hung out to see him. She called DH’s cell (I answered) to say she wasn’t going to be there until 6 because he was in the pool, melting down, needing food, etc… DH’s parents continued to hang out, but when BM got there, SS was still asleep. BM and DH stood outside talking for a long time. I was later told that she was really upset because SS was so upset about her leaving. Not saying he wasn’t truly upset but it was exacerbated by the fact his sleep schedule was off and he really hadn’t been eating much either (the blood sugar thing). It was decided that he should be brought in and allowed to nap and that BM would stay until he woke up so she just wouldn’t be gone.

I dropped a few hints that DH’s parents should go. It would be too much for SS to deal with so they did end up leaving. That left BM with me and DH. She stayed in SS’s room for the first 30-45 min. When it became apparent that SS was not ready to wake up, I offered her some wine which she drank in the bedroom. Finally she emerged while DH and I were at the table finishing dinner (I did offer dinner but she had eaten at Fazoli’s. She did say she would have rather had what I fixed but she was too full.) I offered another glass which she accepted. She stood talking to us for about another 30-40 minutes. We actually did joke around some. She was mostly comfortable. She wouldn’t sit down at the table (which I actually understood) but she did stay and talk. I had to feed My son and in the meantime BM woke SS up so he could start the warming up process. I suggested we put on some Sponge Bob (his new favorite show) and get him some juice. Both were eagerly accepted by SS to which both DH and BM said good call on my part. Two Sponge Bob episodes later and lots of laughing, SS was ok and ready to show Daddy and me his new books that Mommy had bought him for his birthday. When BM announced she was leaving (for whatever reason she made a point of telling us she was going to Uno’s to meet up with some of her old mom friends), SS simply replied, “Ok mom. Love you.” And waved her off. DH did take him outside so he could wave bye. BM said goodbye to me and thanks for the wine.

The whole thing was so bizarrely normal, I could hardly get over it. I guess we had gotten a sense of each other via email and webchats, but still. It was almost a little too…friendly. I’m just waiting for some sort of bad aftermath. DH called her later to tell her that SS had gone back to bed with zero difficulties and this morning we both realized he had only woken up and called for DH once. He had a great day at school with no behavior problems and was an absolute peach all evening. Its almost like her visit recharged him. I was prepared for behavior issues, meltdowns and “I want my mommy!” So…maybe the visit was the right thing at the right time for all involved.

The one thing that was a little weird for me was her interacting with my son. She avoided him at first, and that was fine with me, but she did talk to him from a distance a few times. At one point, DH was holding him while I did something in the kitchen. All of a sudden I heard my son just cracking up from the other room. When i peeked out of the doorway, I saw BM making silly faces to My son while DH held him and My son was just cracking up at her. That was WEIRD!

All in all though, It’s simply in everyone’s best interest to be friendly…not friends. I don’t want to be friends with her, but I would like to have a friendly and amicable relationship with her. It will just make everything to do with SS soooo much easier. I know she feels like we signed her up for an invasion and frankly, I feel the same way. We all have a loss of privacy. It is just the nature of divorce and children. However, it doesn’t mean we have to be miserable.

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The Perfect Song Wednesday, Jul 23 2008

This past week has spurred a lot a introspection and reflection.  My husband’s ex-wife coming has stirred up a lot of emotions, regret and sadness that I don’t often revisit.  I made a lot of mistakes and behaved in ways that I am not proud of.  I have reasons, but no excuses.  But the long and short of it is, I screwed up. Sometimes it is difficult to reconcile because the life and love I have now I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I’ve been exploring the concept of forgiveness.  Namely what my faith has to say about it.  I often read about the rules and judgment in the New Testament regarding divorce, affairs, remarrying, etc…and I leave it fully understanding why many turn away from the Church.  It is discouraging to make mistakes, to be human, and be ostracized or judged by those who have not walked in your shoes.  Jesus, above all, talks about forgiveness and his love for all of his children who believe.  Somehow that message has been lost, even by me.

Anyway, I was in my car today driving home from work.  It was one of the rare days I was alone since usually my husband and I ride ride to and from work together.  I slipped in a collection of Amy Grant songs for something quiet.  Usually I skip around to the ones that are familiar and ignoring the ones I have never heard.  Today I didn’t and I found a song that really spoke to me.  In fact, so much so that I started crying.  I found a comfort and peace to the lyrics and music that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’ve decided to post it.

I can’t relive my life
I can’t retrace my tracks
I can’t undo what’s done
There is no going back

I chased a selfish dream
Did not survey the cost
Illusions disappeared
I’ve found my innocence lost

Some say it’s lessons learned
Some say it’s a living life
I say it’s choices made
Knowing wrong from right

One night I fought to sleep
In my slumber I turned and tossed
I woke to a cloudy day
And found my innocence lost

Innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in her father’s arms
Sleeps while a mother sings

There’s no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh, to be innocent

My heavenly Father
The way of eternal love
That overflows with grace
I can completely trust

My broken heart repaired
And all my sin forgot
I can be pure again
In spite of my innocence lost

In his eyes I’m a newborn child
Cuz I accept his love
I have a newfound hope
Though I’ve found my innocence lost

I can be pure again

I’ve found my innocence lost

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Procrastination, Boredom and Minutia Friday, Jul 18 2008

All week I’ve been sitting at my desk wondering what the hell is my problem.  I can’t force myself to do any real work of consequence to save my life.  The constant “processes” talk and “stragetic planning” is driving me up a wall.  I waste my time researching things that don’t matter.  I procrastinate doing anything of real importance.  Seriously, what is my deal?

In response, I “wasted” another half of a day researching possible causes.  I came up with, this has always and forever been a part of my personality.  Sure enough, after taking another Myers-Brigg personality test, I rang up an ENFP as usual.  Every description I read is 100% accurate to how I function, react, relate, etc…  Major problems for ENFP’s, especially at work, are in the areas of boredom, follow-through and details.  While I consider myself “detail oriented,” I only mean that in terms of “no detail escapes my notice.”  I said nothing about that I actually do something about the details nor that I continue to pay attention to them once I’ve noticed.  While I’m smart and strategic, I don’t care to see projects through to completion.  Discovery is way more interesting than the minutia of bringing the project to life. 

Hence hating my job.  If my job was truly and 100% about client management, I’d be fine.  Nothing makes me happier or energizes me more than helping clients and keeping them happy.  However, handling contract details, calling and making sure the other people do their job and actually look at the contract, and fulfilling the contract details is just simply not my thing.  We also have a new system that I simply “can’t” use.  I hate forced systems.   I hate being boxed in and having too many processes (not of my choosing) that I have to follow.  While I see the need for such things in general and the big picture benefit, I still can’t stand to use them. 

I need to focus on a new career.  If I had really thought through everything at 17, I wouldn’t have gone to the same college of my ex-husband (then boyfriend).  I wouldn’t have majored in such a generic area (communications).  I would have probably gone to Duke or Kansas University… and majored in criminal justice and psychology with the intent of becoming a profiler.  Either that or I should have gone to law school like I wanted to before I was stupid enough to give up my dreams to graduate early (college in 3 years) and get married.

Hindsight 20/20.  So what have I learned?  Stop applying for jobs that require detail management and seeing projects to completion.  Smart doesn’t translate into long-term “doing.” Stop applying for jobs at family owned companies masquarading as corporations.  Stop applying for jobs in big companies that don’t have a good centralized system of management.  Stop applying for jobs in industries that are grossly affected by economic up and downs.  Start assessing my God-given strengths in terms of best career matches.  Start looking for small-mid sized companies where employees love to work.  Interview employees that work there to assess management.  Really research a company’s benefit package before deciding to work there.  And above all…I need to find something I can be passionate about long-term.

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Is there a normal? Thursday, Jul 17 2008

What is a normal stepfamily?  Is there even such a thing?  I am woefully unprepared due to a massive lack of resources and community for stepfamilies.  I’m dealing with meeting the ex-wife/mother-of-SS in two weekends.  What started off as a positive sounding “family” time for SS and the rest of us to get to know one another has digressed into the ex backing off and saying she’s just not ready for it and she just simply wants to meet me then take SS off for some of the weekend (cutting into my husband’s summer time with his son) by herself. 

Believe me, I was less than thrilled at her coming down.  Originally it was to be this weekend for SS’s birthday.  It would have been DH’s parents, my parents, SS, me, DH and our baby.  And then her.  Originally she was also coming down with someone that she is seeing (yay she’s moving on), but then he couldn’t make it.  Then she decided she couldn’t handle the group and thought she’d come down a different weekend. THEN she books the flight without asking us for a date confirmation.  But it was ok because she was planning on doing some “group” activities so SS could see us interacting as a “family.”  Now its just digressed into, I’m still coming, I want to spend time with my son, but I can’t handle anything more than a quick introduction with you. 

So…what’s the point?  Why does she now need to make a special trip to eat into our time with him?  Why come at all?  If she were driving, most likely she’d back out.  Now that she’s booked the flight, she’s kind of stuck unless he wants to pay to get out of it.  While I think she and I need to meet (its been almost two years for heaven’s sake), we can do that when we return SS. 

I guess you could say at the very least we’ve had civil email conversations and have gotten better about that.  We’ve “met” over the webcam.  But seriously, if I were divorced with a child and my child was staying with my ex and a new wife, I’d sure as HELL want to meet her and check her out.  While I wouldn’t like the new wife’s place in my personal life, I’d be making as much effort as possible to get to know her so I know who my child was spending time with.  But that’s just me. 

Again, I ask…what’s normal here?

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Just some blithering… Thursday, Jul 17 2008

I’m stressed.  I’m sure some of it is a product of serious sleep deprivation.  My 4 month old baby has been displaying some symptoms of possible teething with low-grade fever, wanting to gnaw on everything in site and being more inconsolable than usual.  He still is happy, smiling and giggly, but the nights are just terrible!

 

My husband is grossly unhappy at his job.  Unfortunately we work at the same place as well so I have a feeling that our respective attitudes and performances have an effect on how others perceive us.  We were an “office affair” as well, we’ve have had a baby together, etc… so I think there is some attitude towards the both of us from that standpoint as well.  

 

The job unhappiness is leading towards DH looking for another job…in another state closer to his son.  As long as he tolerated his job at our company, I held out hope that we might be here for a few years.  I don’t think that is going to be the case.  He wants to move us around 9 hours away from my family closer to his son and his ex-wife since he is currently 9 hours away.  I don’t completely begrudge him that desire, but it starts me down a path of HATING his ex for being so awful as to move their son so far away from his Daddy.  And it had everything to do with her and nothing to do with what was good for their son.  I have to pay the price.  Not only do I get to spend more time with her and have my life invaded, but it’s at the expense of me keeping my sanity around my own family.  

 

And speaking of the ex, I get to finally meet her face-to-face.  She had mused coming down here for her son’s 4^th birthday.  She wasn’t able to work it out.  I had called her flaking on that and seriously thought she’d flake on the whole thing, but then she surprised both me and DH yesterday by sending us a flight she had already booked for the following weekend.  She had asked if we were free over the next few weekends. I had replied yes, but I didn’t think she was just going to book the flight without asking us.

 

*sigh*  So now I am inevitably going to stress out over this meeting for the next 10 days.  Of course now I have to book a hair appt to get a new cut and some major color done.  I might book a mani/pedi as well along with finding a new outfit.  No way am I going to meet her looking like a frump.  Not that I do really…but, you know.  This is kind of a big deal.  I’d imagine she’s going to go through some of the same since she’s avoided meeting me for 2 years now.  I’m the “new” wife. The one that “replaced” her.  I’m sure she’ll make every effort to look great and be as agreeable and mature as possible.

 

We’ve had a few back and forth emails where she has acknowledged certain things were going to be hard.  I’ve done the same.  We were getting WAY ahead of ourselves with thinking either of us could handle large group activities and multiple times at that.  Too much too soon.  I ended up writing her an email and simply asked if we could just meet and go from there.  I think both of us are extremely curious about the other, but don’t know how real life is going to go.  I guess we’ll see.

 

I still need to book that hair appointment though…

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A Follow-Up Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I was telling my husband about my post and all of the reading I had done.  He did remind me of the fact that he asked for extra time that she very quickly relinquished.  Additionally, despite having webchats 3 times a week and that both husband and I keep her informed of his life down here with stories and pictures, she has not pursued a lot of contact and connection with her son.  And that I find weird.  It is all true.  She’s a very different mother.  I’m not suggesting she doesn’t love nor miss her son, but I don’t think it is to the extent that many moms would.  So, she either trusts me and her ex completely (highly doubtful), she has us under some kind of surveillance we are unaware of, or she is just a very different woman and mother and I truly can’t relate.

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So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

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Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn…Sigh Sunday, Jul 13 2008

Before I write this post, let me just say, I love social networking. I’ve had much joy finding and reconnecting with friends from the past over the last few years. I first signed up for MySpace. Then I discovered Facebook. Now I use LinkedIn. The problem with all of these social networks is the fact that I feel like I am announcing my life over them without any real connection to 3/4 of the people on my “friends lists.”

Take LinkedIn for example. It is primarily used for business networking. Between college, my initial work experience and where I am now, I’ve had three last names. My maiden name, my first married name and the name I have now. I was one of the first to get married (and I graduated a year early) and then I moved to an entirely different part of the company. The first job I had, I was already married so I was only known by my first married name. Then at my current job, people got to know my first married name and are still trying to get used to the new married name…especially since I kept so much of everything so hush hush.

In my excitement of trying to reconnect, I forget all of this and I just send out invites like crazy. Now I’m getting emails out of the blue saying, “I saw your last name change on Facebook. What’s going on?” or “I thought you and <ex-husband’s name> got married, what’s with the new last name?” “What happened to you and <ex>???” And then the best one…”Do I know you?” or “I almost didn’t realize who you were until I saw the picture.” *sigh*

Reconnecting has come with a price.  During my move and subsequent depression, battle with the ED and marriage spiraling down hill, I lost contact with a lot of people.  In my reconnecting excitement, I forgot how little people knew about me.  I am still finding myself telling my story over and over again.  I’m essentially having to re-live my last 3 years.  Announcing my life over such mediums has been good and bad.  To preserve some privacy, I’ve left off the fact that I had a baby with my new husband.  My ex doesn’t know (at least to my knowledge…he just found out I got remarried) and I’d like to keep it that way for awhile.

I’ve been struggling with the invasion of privacy that comes with these sites.  I’m struggling with invasion of privacy period.  No part of my life is sacred.  If it’s not my son being flashed on screen to his big brother (my stepson) so his mother can see it, it is the endless questions over my new last name or getting nasty text messages from my ex railing about how he can’t believe I got remarried and how dare I not warn him.  The age of information.

I digress.  Love reconnecting.  Mourning my loss of privacy and knowledge share on my terms.  End of story.

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A Stepmother’s Joy Thursday, Jul 10 2008

I have to say that one of the most rewarding parts of being a stepmom is when one of those little breakthroughs occur with your stepchild.  For all of the “You’re not my mom” remarks that will inevitably be said over the years, there will be magical moments of love.  Such has been the case the past week when my SS has aggressively sought me out for love, affection and comfort. 

I admit to making a mistake in being standoffish.  By nature, I am not the type to ever impose myself on a child.  I try to make myself as available as possible but let the child seek me out and invite me into their life when they are comfortable.  I probably went to an extreme with my SS because of everything I had read on the subject.  However, I think I was wrong in how long I waited.  I got to thinking that my SS had been watching me for weeks hug, kiss and cuddle my baby son and it had to be a little confusing as to why the baby was receiving all of the attention from me and I was not intiating any sort of affection with him.  Daddy, admittedly does a great job in the affection balance.  I was not. 

After giving all of this some thought, I decided to break my own rule and get more involved on all levels with my SS.  From declaring rules to correcting and then initiating some good old fashioned hugs and comfort, I threw myself in fear of rejection and all.  In fact, after giving it even more thought, I decided my standoffishness was really more about me.  I was terrified of being rejected by this little almost 4-year old.  Dumb of me considering that, of course on some levels,  he is going to reject me.  And that is ok.  I’m not his natural mother, but I am a mother.  He does not live me with me all of the time, but right now he does.  He might yell at me someday and make me feel bad.  But don’t all children do that to their parents whether they are technically their parents or not?

After tentatively sticking a few toes into the water to test it out, my SS returned my efforts 3-fold.  Like a love-starved child, he has not been able to get enough of me at times.  He comes after me for care and attention like I never could have anticipated.  He has set up routines for himself now that include both me and his Daddy.  He is more affectionate towards his little baby (half) brother.  And in general, he has been a more agreeable child. 

In the confusing world of divorce and remarriage for a little child, we stepparents have a golden opportunity to offer some balance and be an additional source of love.  There were reasons why his parent’s marriage did not work and why his Daddy is now married to me.  We have a great marriage, great communication and a great deal of respect for each other.  SS is going to have the opportunity to see a thriving and loving marriage and that is something he never would have seen had his parents stayed together.  His parents lived separate lives while married and had an overly child-centric house.  We have an opportunity, though not his main place of residence, to give him a balance he would not have received otherwise. 

It may not always be this great or this smooth, there might be times when my SS does reject me on all levels and I will get my feelings hurt.  But for now, I am going to take this opportunity to love on him and love on my husband and be an example to him that hopefully will make a difference down the road.

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Forced Calm Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

This morning I am a little more calm from my angry rant last night.  In part, it has been forced upon me.  The past few week’s stress coupled with last night actually did send me over an edge, and not an invisible one.  I woke up with a pinched nerve in my upper back.  It is PAINFUL.  I can’t move around very well and doing just about anything that involves my left arm is rather excrutiating at this point. 

I only get these things when I’m internalizing an extreme amount of stress.  Normally I would go to a walk in clinic and get a muscle relaxant shot as well as dope up on anti-inflamatories and painkillers.  However, I don’t have the option right now because I’m breastfeeding.  So I’m sitting here at my work desk, in a lot of pain with a heating pad, trying to stay as calm as possilbe.  Any stress whatsoever prolongs the healing process. 

Husband has been appropriately concerned but he keeps asking the wrong questions.  Is there something that is going on at work you haven’t shared?  What stress?  Gee, let me think.  In the course of a few months I remarried, had a baby, had a baby, had a baby, your son moved in with us for the summer, I’ve returned to work, I’m putting our son in daycare, I hate my job, etc…  I can’t imagine why on earth I would be stressed.  Especially when I have probably 5 minutes to myself to try and cope with it all per day. 

Oooh, I’m getting irritable again.  Pain in my back.  I just love this. 

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