This past week has spurred a lot a introspection and reflection.  My husband’s ex-wife coming has stirred up a lot of emotions, regret and sadness that I don’t often revisit.  I made a lot of mistakes and behaved in ways that I am not proud of.  I have reasons, but no excuses.  But the long and short of it is, I screwed up. Sometimes it is difficult to reconcile because the life and love I have now I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I’ve been exploring the concept of forgiveness.  Namely what my faith has to say about it.  I often read about the rules and judgment in the New Testament regarding divorce, affairs, remarrying, etc…and I leave it fully understanding why many turn away from the Church.  It is discouraging to make mistakes, to be human, and be ostracized or judged by those who have not walked in your shoes.  Jesus, above all, talks about forgiveness and his love for all of his children who believe.  Somehow that message has been lost, even by me.

Anyway, I was in my car today driving home from work.  It was one of the rare days I was alone since usually my husband and I ride ride to and from work together.  I slipped in a collection of Amy Grant songs for something quiet.  Usually I skip around to the ones that are familiar and ignoring the ones I have never heard.  Today I didn’t and I found a song that really spoke to me.  In fact, so much so that I started crying.  I found a comfort and peace to the lyrics and music that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’ve decided to post it.

I can’t relive my life
I can’t retrace my tracks
I can’t undo what’s done
There is no going back

I chased a selfish dream
Did not survey the cost
Illusions disappeared
I’ve found my innocence lost

Some say it’s lessons learned
Some say it’s a living life
I say it’s choices made
Knowing wrong from right

One night I fought to sleep
In my slumber I turned and tossed
I woke to a cloudy day
And found my innocence lost

Innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in her father’s arms
Sleeps while a mother sings

There’s no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh, to be innocent

My heavenly Father
The way of eternal love
That overflows with grace
I can completely trust

My broken heart repaired
And all my sin forgot
I can be pure again
In spite of my innocence lost

In his eyes I’m a newborn child
Cuz I accept his love
I have a newfound hope
Though I’ve found my innocence lost

I can be pure again

I’ve found my innocence lost