Hugging between ex-spouses Monday, Aug 25 2008

Long, bitching post…

This past weekend, DH took SS4 back up to his mom’s after spending 12 weeks with us this summer.  My boy, 5 months, is not a good car traveler yet so we thought 18 hours in a car over 2 days might be a little excessive for him at this juncture.  So we stayed behind.

DH and I agreed that SS’s old baby furniture would be going back with him since he FINALLY has his own room.  So I knew there would be some considerable time spent at BM’s house with unloading his stuff, furniture, etc…  Original plan was, in his own words, “get in, see room, set up room, get the hell out.”  He called right before he got there and said he would call as soon as he was done.

2 some hours later, still no call.  So I called.  He had just left.  I asked why he was there for so long.  Well, apparently her parents were over (they live next door) and he chatted with them for awhile.  Then he helped set up the rest of the room and played with his boy for a bit.  Then, here’s the kicker, as he was saying goodbye, his son says, “Daddy, hug my mommy.”  When neither responded, he grew more insistent saying, “Daddy, hug my mommy NOW.”  Neither knew what to do so finally BM said she was ok with it so they gave each other a hug.  SS didn’t even pay attention!  BM said, “Son, we’re hugging.”  He ignored them and then said he was busy playing iwth such and such.

At first I was ok with it, because its not like either wanted to hug.  Then I got to thinking…then I got steamed…then I backed off to assess what happened and concluded the following…

No matter how much SS loves me, he wants his Mommy and Daddy back together.  Even at 4, he probably gets that they don’t like each other but wants them to and wants them to live together.  He has said he wants all of us (me and his 1/2 brother included) to all live together.  But the deal is this, I think DH and BM handled that request VERY inappropriately for the following reasons:

1) It was dishonest.  They are not getting back together.  There is hurt feelings.  They do not like each other at the moment.  Yet, by “huggin” at their child’s request, they put on a dishonest front.  Bad message to send to their child.

2) He wants them back together.  He is going to try to manipulate situations to get them to interact more.  I mean, what’s next? “Daddy, I want you to kiss my mommy?”  Not that either of them would agree to that kind of request, but still.  He commanded and they obeyed.  It has now set a precendence. 

3) To be honest, it violated marital boudnaries.  I don’t mind DH hugging people, same sex, opposite sex…whatever.  There are situations where a hug is entirely appropriate.  I trust him to use his good sense on what these situations are as he does me.  However, unless it is an extrenuating circumstance such as a family death or some other equally upsetting situation, I see absolutely NO reason why DH and his ex-wife need to touch each other.  This is said with absolutely no jealousy.  But the fact of the matter is this, they had a relationship, a marriage, sex, and a child.  No matter how unromantic their relationship ended up being or that neither found the other that attractive, it doesn’t change the fact that they know each other in the Biblical sense.  I cannot think of one reason why hugging my ex-husband would be appropriate (outside of the ones listed earlier). 

I sat DH down and said all of this to him last night.  He got mad, not at what I was saying, but how I was saying it.  Neither he nor his ex are exactly as relationship oriented as me nor do they understand people and their motivations as quickly as I do.  (Not tooting my own horn…I have an extreme ability to instantly empathize with others and get in their heads.)  He said that I approached it arrogantly.  Aside from my approach, he said they were caught off guard, it wasn’t anything they were expecting and they just wanted to make their son happy.  He agreed with all of my reasoning on why their response was inappropriate.  He is just uncertain about what to do. 

I said that both he and his ex need to start doing some serious research to understand how children view divorce and what they do to cope.  I said that 2 years after the fact is rather inexcusable and both of them need to get with the program and quit avoiding.  I also said I wanted the matter addressed with his ex so that she understands why it was a bad idea and to formulate a plan to deal with it in the future.  I suggested that if something like that happens again, they respond with, “Mommy and Daddy would love to hug on you” redirecting the focus back to their son and affirming that both love him.  And I suggested it needed to be discussed with their son.  I pointed out that they just successfully put him in control and gave him false hope.  DH agreed with me on all counts…but is still unsure how to deal with it.

So the debate is this…what do you think of my response? Am I off base? Off my rocker? Am I right? Does anyone have a similar story?  Advice on how DH should deal with this?

Candid comments and respect are appreciated.  I think my gut was right but I’m still learning to cope with all of this.

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ENFP Monday, Aug 18 2008

No matter which personality test I take, I always end up the same. It really does describe me perfectly, faults and all.

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You’re quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don’t follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don’t get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What’s Your Personality Type?

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Lack of Time Friday, Aug 15 2008

I haven’t had much time for blogging.  My “bonus son,” as I have taken to calling him, is still living with me and DH and my baby has been dealing with teething.  Frankly, I’m pretty tired.  I’ve done a lot of thinking, though, during the day and night about my life, being a mom, being a stepmom, having to deal with DH’s ex-wife, etc…  I am decidedly in a much better place.  To be honest, meeting her was a good thing. Extending myself to share stories and pictures with her over the summer was a good thing.  Allowing myself to try to empathize with her was a good thing.  It has, at least for the moment, brought me some peace. 

I read a quote recently that hit me pretty hard.  It hit me about many people in my life, not just DH’s Ex.  It said, “Resentment is letting someone live in your mind, rent-free.”  Many, many people are currently occupying space in my brain rent-free.  Time to start charging! 

So, until my son gets over his teething and the croup he’s developed as well as bonus son returning to his “other” home next weekend, I will leave you with that quote.  Have a great weekend.

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Aftermath of Bulimia Friday, Aug 8 2008

I haven’t talked much about my former eating disorder in this blog very much. In some ways, it is a topic I now avoid because I haven’t induced vomiting in over a year and that was part of a life I’d rather forget. However, my 7-year addiction to bulimia is now simply a part of who I am as a person moving forward. I can’t escape that time of my life because so much happened during it that has set my life course. The long-term effects just on me alone are staggering. The ways that my ED has rippled to those I have come in contact with are immeasurable. I simply have to accept that fact no matter how horrified I am. I didn’t even realize, until recently, just how bad I was during that time. I am well today because of 3 factors:

1) I got out of my first marriage. As saddened as I am to say this, I do not believe I would have gotten well in time before I either a) died or b) killed myself remaining married to my first husband. It grieves me on so many levels to admit that because he is not a bad person. He was simply fundamentally toxic to me as an individual.

2) I met my current husband. Yes, I was still married. Yes, he was too. There are consequences of this I’ll talk about later. However, the fact remains that he saved my life. He saw someone within me, buried as it was, that he liked and thought the world needed to have. He spent hours, days, immeasurable amounts of time just simply being there for me.

3) I got pregnant. A seemingly inopportune time turned into the best “mistake” of my life. Pregnancy balanced the rest of me out in a way I couldn’t see until very recently. While I was perfectly comfortable hurting myself, once my destructive behavior towards myself was hurting another living being, I couldn’t do it anymore. I am forced every day to take care of myself because that life depends on me.

Though I am “well,” recovery is a daily process in the sense of, I still have to fight my tendencies because of anxiety and depression, I still feel the physical effects and I have to deal with what I did at my worst thereby causing anxiety and depression that I continue to deal with on a daily basis.

Every day I sit at work I am grateful that I still have my job. My performance was TERRIBLE for about a year. The only way I can explain it is this. Think about the most hungry and most tired you have ever been at work. Then think of how you felt. Maybe you recall headaches, being jittery, your mind focused on getting some food and sleep. Maybe there was also just an inabilty to focus. Now take all of that and multiply that every work day over a year with compounding results. I was going to work every day malnurished with an electrolyte imbalance on top of severe depression and anxiety disorder and who knows what other hormonal imbalances. I couldn’t concentrate, remember simple tasks and instructions, deal well with others and just do my job.

My entire day was planned around food and when I could throw it up. At its worst, that was 2-4 times just during work hours alone. When I wasn’t focused on eating and throwing up, I was focusing on covering up my addiction and overcompensating in my behavior so people wouldn’t know. And until it got bad enough, I was a PRO at covering up. On top of all of that, I had gained weight because my stomach had simply stopped processing food correctly. All of my bulimic activities that were supposed to keep me thinner were making me fatter. Of course, none of that made sense at the time so I would go off the deep end even more throwing up trying to take the weight off. My self-esteem and body image were at ZERO. While I am not on People’s 50 Most Beautiful, I am attractive and shapely enough that, under normal circumstances, I do not need to try to be noticed. I never cared that much before either. However, when you have no self-esteem, low body self image, and are 30 lbs heavier than you are comfortable with (for a short frame, that’s a lot), you start to act desperate. I was making myself “available” for flirting and such while I was married because my husband was ignoring me. I need to get a self-esteem fix somewhere.

As a result of my bulimic induced stupidity, I put myself into numerous situations in which I was lucky, quite frankly, that I wasn’t raped, kidnapped or killed. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was sexually assaulted because I made a very poor judgment call on trusting a business colleague while on a business trip. To this day, the shame that comes with that incident…well, I just can’t go there. I don’t even remember most of it other than waking up in a strange hotel room laying in some of my own blood because I was having my period.

The more well I get, the more I’m aware of the damage to myself and others that I caused. I have to work every day at reminding myself that I am better and that many decisions were made under duress, stress and depression. I would not make most of the same decisions. And even that is hart because, while some have been destructive, I would not have my wonderful husband, nor my beautiful son. I can only regret but so much.

I’m not sure how to end this post. I’m simply aware and processing. I am trying to take the lessons I learned coming out of that time and live my life better and more full. My eating disorder will always be with me though. It just doesn’t have to rule me.

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