Just some blithering… Thursday, Jul 17 2008

I’m stressed.  I’m sure some of it is a product of serious sleep deprivation.  My 4 month old baby has been displaying some symptoms of possible teething with low-grade fever, wanting to gnaw on everything in site and being more inconsolable than usual.  He still is happy, smiling and giggly, but the nights are just terrible!

 

My husband is grossly unhappy at his job.  Unfortunately we work at the same place as well so I have a feeling that our respective attitudes and performances have an effect on how others perceive us.  We were an “office affair” as well, we’ve have had a baby together, etc… so I think there is some attitude towards the both of us from that standpoint as well.  

 

The job unhappiness is leading towards DH looking for another job…in another state closer to his son.  As long as he tolerated his job at our company, I held out hope that we might be here for a few years.  I don’t think that is going to be the case.  He wants to move us around 9 hours away from my family closer to his son and his ex-wife since he is currently 9 hours away.  I don’t completely begrudge him that desire, but it starts me down a path of HATING his ex for being so awful as to move their son so far away from his Daddy.  And it had everything to do with her and nothing to do with what was good for their son.  I have to pay the price.  Not only do I get to spend more time with her and have my life invaded, but it’s at the expense of me keeping my sanity around my own family.  

 

And speaking of the ex, I get to finally meet her face-to-face.  She had mused coming down here for her son’s 4^th birthday.  She wasn’t able to work it out.  I had called her flaking on that and seriously thought she’d flake on the whole thing, but then she surprised both me and DH yesterday by sending us a flight she had already booked for the following weekend.  She had asked if we were free over the next few weekends. I had replied yes, but I didn’t think she was just going to book the flight without asking us.

 

*sigh*  So now I am inevitably going to stress out over this meeting for the next 10 days.  Of course now I have to book a hair appt to get a new cut and some major color done.  I might book a mani/pedi as well along with finding a new outfit.  No way am I going to meet her looking like a frump.  Not that I do really…but, you know.  This is kind of a big deal.  I’d imagine she’s going to go through some of the same since she’s avoided meeting me for 2 years now.  I’m the “new” wife. The one that “replaced” her.  I’m sure she’ll make every effort to look great and be as agreeable and mature as possible.

 

We’ve had a few back and forth emails where she has acknowledged certain things were going to be hard.  I’ve done the same.  We were getting WAY ahead of ourselves with thinking either of us could handle large group activities and multiple times at that.  Too much too soon.  I ended up writing her an email and simply asked if we could just meet and go from there.  I think both of us are extremely curious about the other, but don’t know how real life is going to go.  I guess we’ll see.

 

I still need to book that hair appointment though…

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A Follow-Up Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I was telling my husband about my post and all of the reading I had done.  He did remind me of the fact that he asked for extra time that she very quickly relinquished.  Additionally, despite having webchats 3 times a week and that both husband and I keep her informed of his life down here with stories and pictures, she has not pursued a lot of contact and connection with her son.  And that I find weird.  It is all true.  She’s a very different mother.  I’m not suggesting she doesn’t love nor miss her son, but I don’t think it is to the extent that many moms would.  So, she either trusts me and her ex completely (highly doubtful), she has us under some kind of surveillance we are unaware of, or she is just a very different woman and mother and I truly can’t relate.

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So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

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Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn…Sigh Sunday, Jul 13 2008

Before I write this post, let me just say, I love social networking. I’ve had much joy finding and reconnecting with friends from the past over the last few years. I first signed up for MySpace. Then I discovered Facebook. Now I use LinkedIn. The problem with all of these social networks is the fact that I feel like I am announcing my life over them without any real connection to 3/4 of the people on my “friends lists.”

Take LinkedIn for example. It is primarily used for business networking. Between college, my initial work experience and where I am now, I’ve had three last names. My maiden name, my first married name and the name I have now. I was one of the first to get married (and I graduated a year early) and then I moved to an entirely different part of the company. The first job I had, I was already married so I was only known by my first married name. Then at my current job, people got to know my first married name and are still trying to get used to the new married name…especially since I kept so much of everything so hush hush.

In my excitement of trying to reconnect, I forget all of this and I just send out invites like crazy. Now I’m getting emails out of the blue saying, “I saw your last name change on Facebook. What’s going on?” or “I thought you and <ex-husband’s name> got married, what’s with the new last name?” “What happened to you and <ex>???” And then the best one…”Do I know you?” or “I almost didn’t realize who you were until I saw the picture.” *sigh*

Reconnecting has come with a price.  During my move and subsequent depression, battle with the ED and marriage spiraling down hill, I lost contact with a lot of people.  In my reconnecting excitement, I forgot how little people knew about me.  I am still finding myself telling my story over and over again.  I’m essentially having to re-live my last 3 years.  Announcing my life over such mediums has been good and bad.  To preserve some privacy, I’ve left off the fact that I had a baby with my new husband.  My ex doesn’t know (at least to my knowledge…he just found out I got remarried) and I’d like to keep it that way for awhile.

I’ve been struggling with the invasion of privacy that comes with these sites.  I’m struggling with invasion of privacy period.  No part of my life is sacred.  If it’s not my son being flashed on screen to his big brother (my stepson) so his mother can see it, it is the endless questions over my new last name or getting nasty text messages from my ex railing about how he can’t believe I got remarried and how dare I not warn him.  The age of information.

I digress.  Love reconnecting.  Mourning my loss of privacy and knowledge share on my terms.  End of story.

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A Stepmother’s Joy Thursday, Jul 10 2008

I have to say that one of the most rewarding parts of being a stepmom is when one of those little breakthroughs occur with your stepchild.  For all of the “You’re not my mom” remarks that will inevitably be said over the years, there will be magical moments of love.  Such has been the case the past week when my SS has aggressively sought me out for love, affection and comfort. 

I admit to making a mistake in being standoffish.  By nature, I am not the type to ever impose myself on a child.  I try to make myself as available as possible but let the child seek me out and invite me into their life when they are comfortable.  I probably went to an extreme with my SS because of everything I had read on the subject.  However, I think I was wrong in how long I waited.  I got to thinking that my SS had been watching me for weeks hug, kiss and cuddle my baby son and it had to be a little confusing as to why the baby was receiving all of the attention from me and I was not intiating any sort of affection with him.  Daddy, admittedly does a great job in the affection balance.  I was not. 

After giving all of this some thought, I decided to break my own rule and get more involved on all levels with my SS.  From declaring rules to correcting and then initiating some good old fashioned hugs and comfort, I threw myself in fear of rejection and all.  In fact, after giving it even more thought, I decided my standoffishness was really more about me.  I was terrified of being rejected by this little almost 4-year old.  Dumb of me considering that, of course on some levels,  he is going to reject me.  And that is ok.  I’m not his natural mother, but I am a mother.  He does not live me with me all of the time, but right now he does.  He might yell at me someday and make me feel bad.  But don’t all children do that to their parents whether they are technically their parents or not?

After tentatively sticking a few toes into the water to test it out, my SS returned my efforts 3-fold.  Like a love-starved child, he has not been able to get enough of me at times.  He comes after me for care and attention like I never could have anticipated.  He has set up routines for himself now that include both me and his Daddy.  He is more affectionate towards his little baby (half) brother.  And in general, he has been a more agreeable child. 

In the confusing world of divorce and remarriage for a little child, we stepparents have a golden opportunity to offer some balance and be an additional source of love.  There were reasons why his parent’s marriage did not work and why his Daddy is now married to me.  We have a great marriage, great communication and a great deal of respect for each other.  SS is going to have the opportunity to see a thriving and loving marriage and that is something he never would have seen had his parents stayed together.  His parents lived separate lives while married and had an overly child-centric house.  We have an opportunity, though not his main place of residence, to give him a balance he would not have received otherwise. 

It may not always be this great or this smooth, there might be times when my SS does reject me on all levels and I will get my feelings hurt.  But for now, I am going to take this opportunity to love on him and love on my husband and be an example to him that hopefully will make a difference down the road.

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Forced Calm Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

This morning I am a little more calm from my angry rant last night.  In part, it has been forced upon me.  The past few week’s stress coupled with last night actually did send me over an edge, and not an invisible one.  I woke up with a pinched nerve in my upper back.  It is PAINFUL.  I can’t move around very well and doing just about anything that involves my left arm is rather excrutiating at this point. 

I only get these things when I’m internalizing an extreme amount of stress.  Normally I would go to a walk in clinic and get a muscle relaxant shot as well as dope up on anti-inflamatories and painkillers.  However, I don’t have the option right now because I’m breastfeeding.  So I’m sitting here at my work desk, in a lot of pain with a heating pad, trying to stay as calm as possilbe.  Any stress whatsoever prolongs the healing process. 

Husband has been appropriately concerned but he keeps asking the wrong questions.  Is there something that is going on at work you haven’t shared?  What stress?  Gee, let me think.  In the course of a few months I remarried, had a baby, had a baby, had a baby, your son moved in with us for the summer, I’ve returned to work, I’m putting our son in daycare, I hate my job, etc…  I can’t imagine why on earth I would be stressed.  Especially when I have probably 5 minutes to myself to try and cope with it all per day. 

Oooh, I’m getting irritable again.  Pain in my back.  I just love this. 

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A Stepmother’s Angst Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

Being a stepmother is NOT easy.  Knowing your husband will talk to his ex-wife for the rest of her life or his life or yours (whichever ends first) is NOT easy.  Knowing that I have to deal with her is NOT easy.  Dealing with my stepson and the fact he is half her is NOT easy.  Dealing with him living with us for the summer after just having my own child is REALLY NOT easy.  Having to balance being a new mom and all of the emotions and sometimes postpartem depression that brings, loving a little being so much that I feel like I am going to burst, being protective of said little being, having a stepson come to live with us for the summer after only 8 weeks with my baby, returning to the workplace to a job I hate, attending to my stepson and helping him and the rest of the family (down to the dog) navigate this new situation, and trying to even out the guilt my husband feels, etc…is the most difficult task I have ever had.

Being so in tune with everyone around me and being able to not only read their emotions and thoughts, but able to see the big picture, context and how they affect everything in their surroundings drives me fucking insane.  (I swear for pure emphasis.)  My stepson is just like his mom in the sense he is chalking up to be a highly sensitive person like her.  And he is confused.  For the love of God no one has explained to him why he is in North Carolina with his mom and his dad is in FL with me.  Then throw in the fact he has a new “baby brother” on top of everything that is his brother but is not from his mommy but they share the same daddy and you have one confused little 4-year old.  I feel his confusion every single day.  And it pains me.  As a result, he has turned into a very needy and whiny child.  He was like this prior to his parents divorce, or at least trending that way, but this has brought it out more.  Despite my empathy and wishing I could help more, I also honestly find myself irritated at his presence.  Irritated at his sensitivities and his lack of being able to do for himself like other children his age.  i get angry that his neediness is pulling his daddy’s attention away from our little baby who also needs his dad.  If I hadn’t had to go back to work, I could fulfill more in my baby boy, but I simply can’t.  Dealing with my job and inevitable corporate drama drains me.  I can’t come home every night to a husband who sits with his 1st son for an hour to console him leaving me with the baby AND dinner to make AND trying to keep the house up after a full day at work. I simply can’t do it.  I’m going to lose my mind.  And get angry.

After a lot of extra time spent on his 1st son tonight, my husband (DH for short) informs me that this type of night needs to happen more often because his son really needs him and it will be good for him etc…  When I try to ask questions or present more balanced scenarios for consideration such as doing things as a family he retorts that “we” are not family to his son…at least not me (implying that our son, his baby brother is).  My suspicion that he had some drawn out discussion with his ex was confirmed by his sudden outburst.  So I quit waiting for him to tell me he had talked to her and just asked.

We resolved the discussion after I was able to articulate why I was hurt and irritated, but it left me angry.  I’m still angry and have been unable to return any affection at the moment.  Despite apologies and a thank you from him to me for explaining why his “presentation” had offended and a promise to work on it, I’m still pissed beyond belief.  i haven’t exactly been able to come up with a why other than feeling offended.

The why is this… Stepparents of ANY kind know they are not instantly family to their stepkids.  And to be honest, my stepson is not family to me yet.  (This aspect seems to always be missing from stepparenting advice givers and the natural parents of the child that has been “stepped”)  He is still a rather foreign person to me that is living in my space, my home, my time, my resources and most of all, my relationship building with my baby.  Yet despite all of this, I love him and I love his father and I am 100% committed to working toward being a family with him.  And then to have the whole he is having a hard time with this and he needs more of his dad’s time and YOU are not his family thrown in my face to tonight…well, it has sent me over some sort of invisible edge.  Part of me wants to remind my husband right now at 11:45 at night that if I’m not family, then I should not be expected to continue to share my bedroom (yes, he’s sleeping in our room), my son (genetics do not entitle you to be family), my time (which right now consists of fulfilling most demands of this child), my money, or any other part of me or my resources with his son.  After all, I’m not family.  THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I?  Some sort of hostess with the mostest? Some sort of Betty Crocker, “here let me do that” and “of course I’ll make you your peanut butter and jelly sandwich even though I’m fixing chicken for everyone else” robot?

I digress.  I’m simply angrily blithering at this point.  More and more anger keeps building up thinking about this and the other thoughts this thought is leading to at the moment.  All of a sudden I’m really tired.  I hate the ex.  I detest her very existence in my life.  No, I had no idea what I was signing myself up for even though I married someone with a child.  I’m feeling hateful towards my husband right now (yes, I still love him though).  But all I want to do right now is go get my sleeping baby out of his crib, drive over to my parents house and curl up with just him in a bed and shut out everyone else.  Boiling it down even further though, all I really want to do is let myself cry.  Despite promising myself that I would let myself go emotionally when necessary, I still find myself tightly bound, controlled and refusing to give in to the tears that need to be shed.  *sigh* I must sleep now.

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Panic Disorder and Eating Disorders Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

I had an interesting conversation with my husband a few weeks ago. I don’t know why I’m thinking about it now exactly.  He was telling me about his ex-wife’s panic disorder.  How he used to have to let her grip his hands and breathe with her, etc… Basically how bad they used to be.  I commented that yes, panic disorder absolutely sucks as I have a lot of personal experience with it.  I paused for reflection thinking back to when, prior to forcing myself to throw up, I used to get panic attacks.  I wouldn’t even see them coming.  All of a sudden my muscles would start twitching, my breathing would get shallow, my lungs would feel like the air was being squeezed out and then it would explode into full-blown hyperventilating.

He then said, “Yeah, but you didn’t have this happen on a regular basis to the point of needing to collapse into sleep and being utterly exhausted!”  I take a second to marvel at a) Why on earth is he seemingly defending his ex-wife and belittling my experience and b) he has no effing clue.  Really.  I started to find myself getting extremely irritated at him…AND her (her for simply existing and morphing my husband into someone he wasn’t).  These people have no idea, NO idea what I went through for years.  No, I did not have years of panic disorder in the traditional sense.  I learned to cope with anxiety and rising panic by throwing up.  I didn’t have continued panic attacks because I took care of it by up-chucking food into a toilet, or sink, or whatever was available for my hurling pleasure.  An eating disorder is the worst kind of panic disorder.  It is self-abuse to the extreme.

So yes dear husband, I think I have a small clue and then some, of what living with panic disorder is all about.  More than I can ever and would ever want to explain.  Unless you have ever existed in the hell of your own mind, it is indescribable.

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I Would Have… Sunday, Jun 15 2008

My first college roommate decided to join the seemingly rest of the nation and sign up for Facebook. Admittedly when I first saw her, I was hesitant to contact her. However, I was intrigued that her profile said her maiden name and I knew she had gotten married a year after she graduated from college. So, I sent her a friend request. Sure enough, she also noticed I too had a different last name than before. She again apologized, in her own way, for being part of my wretched freshman year. That behind us, I found myself recounting, yet again, the tale of my failed marriage and found true love. Whenever I do this, I start thinking again of what really went wrong. When this happens, I also find a new slant, or perspective, through which I run my thinking.

The week before my stepson arrived, I was going through some old papers and I found the folder that contained all of the emails my ex-spouse sent me after I left him. I glanced through a handful of them shaking my head at the contents, but one in particular did stand out and I paused for some reflection. I kept seeing over and over again, “I would have done this” and “I would have done that.” I remember an email my husband showed me that his ex-spouse had written him that said the same thing. It was something along the lines of, “I would have searched the depths of my soul to find something good with you again.” Those weren’t the exact words but that was the gist.

After conversing with several others that have been through similar situations, the story seems to be the same. The spouse that gets left says, “I would have…to stay with you.” Well, why didn’t you? Why didn’t you sell your car? Why didn’t you stop staying at work so late? Why didn’t you search your soul? Why didn’t you re-prioritize? Why didn’t you simply look outside of yourself?

I am still surprised when others are surprised that their spouse finally decides to leave, or ask for a separation, or a divorce, or has an affair, etc… (This does not mean I am justifying or condoning here.) But if a spouse is surprised by something like this, other than in extreme circumstances, it just shows that the left spouse has not been paying attention. Even worse than the narcissim is if the spouse HAS been paying attention, knows something is wrong, and does nothing. And an even sorrier state is when the leaving spouse went to the left spouse and said, “we have problems. I think we should go to counseling.” And then the left spouse doesn’t agree, won’t go, or is in complete denial.

I would have… To the leaving spouse that this gets said to, this phrase means NOTHING by the time it is said. If you have to say “I would have…” in the first place, that means that there were things you knew you should have been doing and simply chose not to for whatever reason. Usually arrogance or the belief that you can ignore, take advantage of, crap on, etc…and the other person simply has to put up with it because they are married to you. Wrong thinking.

After one failed marriage, and being the person that left after 10 years of being taken advantage of and ignored emotionally, “I would have” simply does not cut it in a solid relationship. EVERY DAY should be comprised of, “I am going to do everything in my power today to love, appreciate and be affectionate to my partner. He deserves the very best of me before anyone else.” Granted there are some days where my best that day is simply saying I love you with a kiss as he walks out the door and back through it, but because most days are spent adoring him and receiving it back, I can say with confidence that during the hard days when I’m not at my best, he still walks out the door knowing he is fully loved and fully appreciated for just being himself and the person I love more than anything on this planet.

Don’t ever say “I would have…” Just do. Just simply do.

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Having a difficult time Wednesday, Jun 11 2008

I have to admit something. I am having a very difficult time with with my stepson being here. On one hand, I am very happy that both daddy and son get a huge chunk of time together. For both of their well-beings, it is a great thing. However, I’m still struggling so much with viewing him as an invasion. Yes, I knew when I married my husband, he was part of the deal. I love the boy as much as I can. I care for him and am constantly concerned for him. I don’t know what I’m having such a problem. I think it can be boiled down to a few issues. The summer stay was something that came together very quickly and without much warning to me. It went from a week to 11 weeks. My own son with my husband is only 10 weeks old. I had hoped on some more time for just daddy and son #2…but more importantly between mommy and son since I have to go back to work soon. My days are already going to be spent away from him and soon I will have to divide my evening time as well. I’m simply not ready for it. I have no idea how to get over this. I am trying to focus on the good all of this will bring for everyone else, but that still doesn’t help my selfish thoughts.

I’m also upset with my husband constantly saying how bad he feels about Son #1 having to go to daycare during the day while he’s down here. Um…HELLO? His first son got almost 3 years at home with his mother before the divorce and before she had to go back to work. It is normal for three and four year olds to go to some sort of pre-school. It certainly isn’t a stretch for him to be at school at 4-years of age. I feel bad that it is a new school and that he had to leave friends behind, but still, that’s still within the realm of normal.  My son is going to be in daycare at 3 months.  3 MONTHS!  The one he should feel sorry for is the young one who will never be able to experience his mommy caring for him while he is young.  I’m sick about it.

Random ranting…not really productive other than the fact its out there.  Any step-parent suggestions?  I don’t really know what to say when husband keeps asking, “Isn’t this great?”  Umm…not really.

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