So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

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Permission to Not Care Monday, Jun 9 2008

I am currently working on giving myself permission to not care. That sounds like a simple task, especially when it is towards two people that have had a seriously negative impact on my life. For an empath though, it is a serious challenge.

The first person I am seeking to give myself permission to cease caring is towards my ex-husband.  I do not wish him ill-will.  In fact, I feel quite the opposite.  I hope he finds the kind of happiness that I’ve found.  However, I do not want to hear from him unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary.  He finally found out I was re-married on a fluke and decided to text me and send me an email.  First off, I did not get the text and, from his subsequent email, is probably a good thing since he apologized for it and then went on to how “shocked” he was but was happy for me and would continue to pray for me.  In my previous life, I would have labored for hours over a response to this and explained and apologize for him being caught off guard, etc…  But not now.  I have given myself permission to cease caring about his feelings.  I am no longer his wife; he is no longer my husband.  I do not owe him anything and he does not ow me anything.  When two people divorce, unless there is something binding like a child, you are, for all intents and purposes, through with each other.  For my current marriages sake and for my own sanity, despite the fact I spent a decade with this person, I have to allow myself to not care about his life nor his family nor any part of our past life together.  And that’s hard!  I cared about some of his family.  I hope they are alright.  I hope they are happy.  But I can’t take up space in my life caring about them.  And I can’t continue to worry or care about what my ex-husband thinks about me, my choices or my current life.  Those need to be his feelings to manage now.

And the second person I need to give myself permission to not care is towards my husband’s ex-wife.  I think because of the circumstances of how my husband and I got together, I have a lot of guilt.  I have sought approval from her that I am never going to get.  I have put myself out there only to be hurt…and somewhat rightfully so.  She doesn’t owe me anything and I have no right to expect that she is going to respect me in any way.  And that’s ok.  I shouldn’t need that or even want that.  But because I am forever tied to her via my stepson, I’ve tried, in vein, to understand this other woman that is in my life.  But I really need to release myself from caring about her above and beyond the care I would give to any passerby in my life.  It is an exercise in futility and probably perceived as an invasion, if not inappropriate and crass, from her end.

Ah the tangled web we weave…  I just need to focus my emotional energy where it needs to go and that is towards my husband, my baby and then my stepson and other family and friends.  Those are the people that need my best.

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Divorce is a curious thing Sunday, May 18 2008

My husband and I were discussing furniture accumulated during one marriage that is retained by one of the parties during the divorce and used later on possibly in a 2nd marriage. I brought a few things into my new marriage: a dining room set, porch furniture, art and knick-knacks as well as most of the kitchen gadgetry. He had his bed, bedroom furniture, family room furniture and then the point of contention…the baby furniture.

When I found out I was pregnant, after my panic attack, I quickly went into decorating mode. My husband had a nursery suite from his first son that was still in his possession. At the time of the divorce, his ex-wife opted not to take the furniture for their son due to lack of space. Before assuming its use, he checked with her again if she wanted it. She refused it. I did not want to use it, but relented for several reasons: 1) His ex-wife was not taking it for their son, 2) My husband attached great sentimental value to the furniture and wanted his other kids to use it since it was a gift from his parents, 3) He chose it, not his ex-wife, 4) We REALLY couldn’t afford to get new furniture. Even after my parents offered to get new furniture so I wouldn’t have to “deal with” the other furniture, I still agreed to use it because of reason #2 listed above. And I did like it. The wood was nice and neutral and could go with anything really. Given that though, I set about making everything else as different as possible though we were having a boy to erase some of the outpouring of emotions that I felt were permanently attached to the furniture.

Now that our son has been born, I’m realizing I’m still having difficulty with the furniture. I know enough about his ex-wife, though I’ve never met her in person, to know that she’s probably HATING the fact I’m using the furniture. Somehow, a long time ago, I swear some link was opened between our brains because I will get her thoughts and emotions at times out of nowhere. I know this is going on because I’ll start obsessing over something and then I’ll realize its because she’s angry about it and somehow transmitting it to me. It drives me nuts. (Note: She is a highly sensitive person that has some unusual abilities as well.)

Anyway, I’m going off on what this post was originally about when I started writing. We, as humans, associate memories with objects we come in contact with over a period of time. When two people divorce, all of the objects in their possession at the time of the divorce have memories embedded into each of them. These memories fade over time, but energy does linger.

Being especially sensitive to energy in the first place, I am driven crazy by the lingering energy. Case in point, I am not driven crazy by the bed I now occupy because the ex-wife had not used that as her bed for quite some time. However, the bedroom that is now the nursery drove me insane the first year after she was gone because that’s where she had slept (and fumed no doubt) during their separation and divorce (she lived there for almost a year separated). It took coats of paint, remodeling, and cleansing the room of negative energy to get out her residual energy. At one point, before I realized it was *her* lingering there, I thought there was a spirit lurking…no joke. I actually couldn’t go into that room for months after she left because of it. I’ll pick up other bits and pieces of her from other things around the house. I still avoid sitting in a section of our large sectional sofa because if I try to sit there, I get really negative. Come to find out, that bit of the sofa is where she always sat with her laptop spewing angry writing.

Of course my husband doesn’t get any of this… Well, he does in concept but not for himself. If he likes furniture, he likes the furniture. It has nothing to do with whether it came from my previous marriage or not. He doesn’t get other’s energy from objects.

In thinking about the things that went with my ex-husband, I’m bothered by a few of the things he has and if it would be used with a future girlfriend/wife. I am not bothered because I am jealous that she would be using it as his wife. Really. I hope my ex meets someone WONDERFUL that loves him in a way I never could and that he loves in a way he could never give to me. But things that my ex and I picked out together that was supposed to be part of our life together, like our bedroom dresser that he has, yes, I don’t want someone else using it. Most things though, like the sofa, etc…I could care less. If my husband’s ex-wife is indeed angry about me using the baby furniture, I sort of understand. I have no actual confirmation she is hating it, just a feeling. Logic would dictate that she is ok with it given that she did not take the furniture back when offered several times. However, my intuition is overruling logic. Anyway…

This post reads like a rambling mess. I was trying to get across two points: 1) Divorce divides supposedly inanimate objects between two people and those objects have emotional associations attached and 2) I pick up on residual memories at times and that is why I have a difficult time with some of the remaining things in my husband’s possession and things that are in my exes possession that I know will be used someday by someone else. So there. A one paragraph summary of the mess that took me a half hour to write.

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