I’ve been undergoing the painful task of reconnecting with old friends that I lost touch with during my “bad” years. Part of the kit and caboodle of an eating disorder is constantly dealing with the emotion of shame. The feeling of shame was further exasterbated by the fact I acted in ways that were, quite literally, out of my mind all while making decisions (if you could call them that) I thought later would send people running away madly with hands thrown in the air away from me. Of course that thought never crossed my mind while I was acting, but later when I started to crawl my way out of the black hole in my brain.

A new shame overcame me at that point. Rather sheer embarrassment that anyone had the misfortune of meeting me during that time in my life. And if they knew me before, they certainly would be appalled at the state I was in. Plus, I was divorced. AND I had met the love of my life while I was still married. AND I shacked up with said person. AND I had a child out of wedlock. AND I got married while 8 months pregnant. After thinking about all of that, I thought there was no way former friends would accept me without judgment. I was wrong. After all. I was a goody-two-shoes my entire life. While I had my share of college drunkenness, I never went home with a guy. The only person I had ever slept with was the guy who became my first husband. I went to church. I believed in God and the Bible. I had counseled the very friends I was now afraid to talk to about their misdoings and mishaps. And now here I was a complete mess. A failure in so many ways. What would THEY think???

Slowly. Ever so cautiously. Sticking on toe in the water at a time. I tested the waters. I reached out first to my best friend and person I admire most in the world. I told my tale. The honest truth. All of the messy details. And I was met with love, “I’ve missed you,” and welcome back. I thought it was a fluke.

So I did it again. Carefully. Maybe leaving out a few of the more sordid details for later. I talked to another old friend. And again I was met with the same response. Love, “I’ve missed you,” and welcome back.

I found the more I opened my mouth, the more I opened up, the more honest I was, I was met with complete love. I’m still learning to forgive myself. While I believe to this day I did not break up my current husband’s marriage, I had a role. While I did not leave my husband capriciously nor for another man, I still left him. I still went outside our marriage. Sick and desperate though I was, I made some bad and thoughtless choices that had real and painful consequences.

Shame and embarrassment are still emotions I fight every day. I AM sorry there are people that have only known me sick. I am truly sorry for things I did and people I hurt during that period. But I am humbled that there are those that remember me as I was and as I am striving to be now and have welcomed me back with open arms. That they know I am a happy person, a spiritual person and one that cares very deeply for others and their well-being. Those are the people that give me hope, keep me going and keep me healthy. Thank you.