So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

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I Would Have… Sunday, Jun 15 2008

My first college roommate decided to join the seemingly rest of the nation and sign up for Facebook. Admittedly when I first saw her, I was hesitant to contact her. However, I was intrigued that her profile said her maiden name and I knew she had gotten married a year after she graduated from college. So, I sent her a friend request. Sure enough, she also noticed I too had a different last name than before. She again apologized, in her own way, for being part of my wretched freshman year. That behind us, I found myself recounting, yet again, the tale of my failed marriage and found true love. Whenever I do this, I start thinking again of what really went wrong. When this happens, I also find a new slant, or perspective, through which I run my thinking.

The week before my stepson arrived, I was going through some old papers and I found the folder that contained all of the emails my ex-spouse sent me after I left him. I glanced through a handful of them shaking my head at the contents, but one in particular did stand out and I paused for some reflection. I kept seeing over and over again, “I would have done this” and “I would have done that.” I remember an email my husband showed me that his ex-spouse had written him that said the same thing. It was something along the lines of, “I would have searched the depths of my soul to find something good with you again.” Those weren’t the exact words but that was the gist.

After conversing with several others that have been through similar situations, the story seems to be the same. The spouse that gets left says, “I would have…to stay with you.” Well, why didn’t you? Why didn’t you sell your car? Why didn’t you stop staying at work so late? Why didn’t you search your soul? Why didn’t you re-prioritize? Why didn’t you simply look outside of yourself?

I am still surprised when others are surprised that their spouse finally decides to leave, or ask for a separation, or a divorce, or has an affair, etc… (This does not mean I am justifying or condoning here.) But if a spouse is surprised by something like this, other than in extreme circumstances, it just shows that the left spouse has not been paying attention. Even worse than the narcissim is if the spouse HAS been paying attention, knows something is wrong, and does nothing. And an even sorrier state is when the leaving spouse went to the left spouse and said, “we have problems. I think we should go to counseling.” And then the left spouse doesn’t agree, won’t go, or is in complete denial.

I would have… To the leaving spouse that this gets said to, this phrase means NOTHING by the time it is said. If you have to say “I would have…” in the first place, that means that there were things you knew you should have been doing and simply chose not to for whatever reason. Usually arrogance or the belief that you can ignore, take advantage of, crap on, etc…and the other person simply has to put up with it because they are married to you. Wrong thinking.

After one failed marriage, and being the person that left after 10 years of being taken advantage of and ignored emotionally, “I would have” simply does not cut it in a solid relationship. EVERY DAY should be comprised of, “I am going to do everything in my power today to love, appreciate and be affectionate to my partner. He deserves the very best of me before anyone else.” Granted there are some days where my best that day is simply saying I love you with a kiss as he walks out the door and back through it, but because most days are spent adoring him and receiving it back, I can say with confidence that during the hard days when I’m not at my best, he still walks out the door knowing he is fully loved and fully appreciated for just being himself and the person I love more than anything on this planet.

Don’t ever say “I would have…” Just do. Just simply do.

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