Aftermath of Bulimia Friday, Aug 8 2008

I haven’t talked much about my former eating disorder in this blog very much. In some ways, it is a topic I now avoid because I haven’t induced vomiting in over a year and that was part of a life I’d rather forget. However, my 7-year addiction to bulimia is now simply a part of who I am as a person moving forward. I can’t escape that time of my life because so much happened during it that has set my life course. The long-term effects just on me alone are staggering. The ways that my ED has rippled to those I have come in contact with are immeasurable. I simply have to accept that fact no matter how horrified I am. I didn’t even realize, until recently, just how bad I was during that time. I am well today because of 3 factors:

1) I got out of my first marriage. As saddened as I am to say this, I do not believe I would have gotten well in time before I either a) died or b) killed myself remaining married to my first husband. It grieves me on so many levels to admit that because he is not a bad person. He was simply fundamentally toxic to me as an individual.

2) I met my current husband. Yes, I was still married. Yes, he was too. There are consequences of this I’ll talk about later. However, the fact remains that he saved my life. He saw someone within me, buried as it was, that he liked and thought the world needed to have. He spent hours, days, immeasurable amounts of time just simply being there for me.

3) I got pregnant. A seemingly inopportune time turned into the best “mistake” of my life. Pregnancy balanced the rest of me out in a way I couldn’t see until very recently. While I was perfectly comfortable hurting myself, once my destructive behavior towards myself was hurting another living being, I couldn’t do it anymore. I am forced every day to take care of myself because that life depends on me.

Though I am “well,” recovery is a daily process in the sense of, I still have to fight my tendencies because of anxiety and depression, I still feel the physical effects and I have to deal with what I did at my worst thereby causing anxiety and depression that I continue to deal with on a daily basis.

Every day I sit at work I am grateful that I still have my job. My performance was TERRIBLE for about a year. The only way I can explain it is this. Think about the most hungry and most tired you have ever been at work. Then think of how you felt. Maybe you recall headaches, being jittery, your mind focused on getting some food and sleep. Maybe there was also just an inabilty to focus. Now take all of that and multiply that every work day over a year with compounding results. I was going to work every day malnurished with an electrolyte imbalance on top of severe depression and anxiety disorder and who knows what other hormonal imbalances. I couldn’t concentrate, remember simple tasks and instructions, deal well with others and just do my job.

My entire day was planned around food and when I could throw it up. At its worst, that was 2-4 times just during work hours alone. When I wasn’t focused on eating and throwing up, I was focusing on covering up my addiction and overcompensating in my behavior so people wouldn’t know. And until it got bad enough, I was a PRO at covering up. On top of all of that, I had gained weight because my stomach had simply stopped processing food correctly. All of my bulimic activities that were supposed to keep me thinner were making me fatter. Of course, none of that made sense at the time so I would go off the deep end even more throwing up trying to take the weight off. My self-esteem and body image were at ZERO. While I am not on People’s 50 Most Beautiful, I am attractive and shapely enough that, under normal circumstances, I do not need to try to be noticed. I never cared that much before either. However, when you have no self-esteem, low body self image, and are 30 lbs heavier than you are comfortable with (for a short frame, that’s a lot), you start to act desperate. I was making myself “available” for flirting and such while I was married because my husband was ignoring me. I need to get a self-esteem fix somewhere.

As a result of my bulimic induced stupidity, I put myself into numerous situations in which I was lucky, quite frankly, that I wasn’t raped, kidnapped or killed. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was sexually assaulted because I made a very poor judgment call on trusting a business colleague while on a business trip. To this day, the shame that comes with that incident…well, I just can’t go there. I don’t even remember most of it other than waking up in a strange hotel room laying in some of my own blood because I was having my period.

The more well I get, the more I’m aware of the damage to myself and others that I caused. I have to work every day at reminding myself that I am better and that many decisions were made under duress, stress and depression. I would not make most of the same decisions. And even that is hart because, while some have been destructive, I would not have my wonderful husband, nor my beautiful son. I can only regret but so much.

I’m not sure how to end this post. I’m simply aware and processing. I am trying to take the lessons I learned coming out of that time and live my life better and more full. My eating disorder will always be with me though. It just doesn’t have to rule me.

One Response »

 

I Would Have… Sunday, Jun 15 2008

My first college roommate decided to join the seemingly rest of the nation and sign up for Facebook. Admittedly when I first saw her, I was hesitant to contact her. However, I was intrigued that her profile said her maiden name and I knew she had gotten married a year after she graduated from college. So, I sent her a friend request. Sure enough, she also noticed I too had a different last name than before. She again apologized, in her own way, for being part of my wretched freshman year. That behind us, I found myself recounting, yet again, the tale of my failed marriage and found true love. Whenever I do this, I start thinking again of what really went wrong. When this happens, I also find a new slant, or perspective, through which I run my thinking.

The week before my stepson arrived, I was going through some old papers and I found the folder that contained all of the emails my ex-spouse sent me after I left him. I glanced through a handful of them shaking my head at the contents, but one in particular did stand out and I paused for some reflection. I kept seeing over and over again, “I would have done this” and “I would have done that.” I remember an email my husband showed me that his ex-spouse had written him that said the same thing. It was something along the lines of, “I would have searched the depths of my soul to find something good with you again.” Those weren’t the exact words but that was the gist.

After conversing with several others that have been through similar situations, the story seems to be the same. The spouse that gets left says, “I would have…to stay with you.” Well, why didn’t you? Why didn’t you sell your car? Why didn’t you stop staying at work so late? Why didn’t you search your soul? Why didn’t you re-prioritize? Why didn’t you simply look outside of yourself?

I am still surprised when others are surprised that their spouse finally decides to leave, or ask for a separation, or a divorce, or has an affair, etc… (This does not mean I am justifying or condoning here.) But if a spouse is surprised by something like this, other than in extreme circumstances, it just shows that the left spouse has not been paying attention. Even worse than the narcissim is if the spouse HAS been paying attention, knows something is wrong, and does nothing. And an even sorrier state is when the leaving spouse went to the left spouse and said, “we have problems. I think we should go to counseling.” And then the left spouse doesn’t agree, won’t go, or is in complete denial.

I would have… To the leaving spouse that this gets said to, this phrase means NOTHING by the time it is said. If you have to say “I would have…” in the first place, that means that there were things you knew you should have been doing and simply chose not to for whatever reason. Usually arrogance or the belief that you can ignore, take advantage of, crap on, etc…and the other person simply has to put up with it because they are married to you. Wrong thinking.

After one failed marriage, and being the person that left after 10 years of being taken advantage of and ignored emotionally, “I would have” simply does not cut it in a solid relationship. EVERY DAY should be comprised of, “I am going to do everything in my power today to love, appreciate and be affectionate to my partner. He deserves the very best of me before anyone else.” Granted there are some days where my best that day is simply saying I love you with a kiss as he walks out the door and back through it, but because most days are spent adoring him and receiving it back, I can say with confidence that during the hard days when I’m not at my best, he still walks out the door knowing he is fully loved and fully appreciated for just being himself and the person I love more than anything on this planet.

Don’t ever say “I would have…” Just do. Just simply do.

One Response »

 

Divorce is a curious thing Sunday, May 18 2008

My husband and I were discussing furniture accumulated during one marriage that is retained by one of the parties during the divorce and used later on possibly in a 2nd marriage. I brought a few things into my new marriage: a dining room set, porch furniture, art and knick-knacks as well as most of the kitchen gadgetry. He had his bed, bedroom furniture, family room furniture and then the point of contention…the baby furniture.

When I found out I was pregnant, after my panic attack, I quickly went into decorating mode. My husband had a nursery suite from his first son that was still in his possession. At the time of the divorce, his ex-wife opted not to take the furniture for their son due to lack of space. Before assuming its use, he checked with her again if she wanted it. She refused it. I did not want to use it, but relented for several reasons: 1) His ex-wife was not taking it for their son, 2) My husband attached great sentimental value to the furniture and wanted his other kids to use it since it was a gift from his parents, 3) He chose it, not his ex-wife, 4) We REALLY couldn’t afford to get new furniture. Even after my parents offered to get new furniture so I wouldn’t have to “deal with” the other furniture, I still agreed to use it because of reason #2 listed above. And I did like it. The wood was nice and neutral and could go with anything really. Given that though, I set about making everything else as different as possible though we were having a boy to erase some of the outpouring of emotions that I felt were permanently attached to the furniture.

Now that our son has been born, I’m realizing I’m still having difficulty with the furniture. I know enough about his ex-wife, though I’ve never met her in person, to know that she’s probably HATING the fact I’m using the furniture. Somehow, a long time ago, I swear some link was opened between our brains because I will get her thoughts and emotions at times out of nowhere. I know this is going on because I’ll start obsessing over something and then I’ll realize its because she’s angry about it and somehow transmitting it to me. It drives me nuts. (Note: She is a highly sensitive person that has some unusual abilities as well.)

Anyway, I’m going off on what this post was originally about when I started writing. We, as humans, associate memories with objects we come in contact with over a period of time. When two people divorce, all of the objects in their possession at the time of the divorce have memories embedded into each of them. These memories fade over time, but energy does linger.

Being especially sensitive to energy in the first place, I am driven crazy by the lingering energy. Case in point, I am not driven crazy by the bed I now occupy because the ex-wife had not used that as her bed for quite some time. However, the bedroom that is now the nursery drove me insane the first year after she was gone because that’s where she had slept (and fumed no doubt) during their separation and divorce (she lived there for almost a year separated). It took coats of paint, remodeling, and cleansing the room of negative energy to get out her residual energy. At one point, before I realized it was *her* lingering there, I thought there was a spirit lurking…no joke. I actually couldn’t go into that room for months after she left because of it. I’ll pick up other bits and pieces of her from other things around the house. I still avoid sitting in a section of our large sectional sofa because if I try to sit there, I get really negative. Come to find out, that bit of the sofa is where she always sat with her laptop spewing angry writing.

Of course my husband doesn’t get any of this… Well, he does in concept but not for himself. If he likes furniture, he likes the furniture. It has nothing to do with whether it came from my previous marriage or not. He doesn’t get other’s energy from objects.

In thinking about the things that went with my ex-husband, I’m bothered by a few of the things he has and if it would be used with a future girlfriend/wife. I am not bothered because I am jealous that she would be using it as his wife. Really. I hope my ex meets someone WONDERFUL that loves him in a way I never could and that he loves in a way he could never give to me. But things that my ex and I picked out together that was supposed to be part of our life together, like our bedroom dresser that he has, yes, I don’t want someone else using it. Most things though, like the sofa, etc…I could care less. If my husband’s ex-wife is indeed angry about me using the baby furniture, I sort of understand. I have no actual confirmation she is hating it, just a feeling. Logic would dictate that she is ok with it given that she did not take the furniture back when offered several times. However, my intuition is overruling logic. Anyway…

This post reads like a rambling mess. I was trying to get across two points: 1) Divorce divides supposedly inanimate objects between two people and those objects have emotional associations attached and 2) I pick up on residual memories at times and that is why I have a difficult time with some of the remaining things in my husband’s possession and things that are in my exes possession that I know will be used someday by someone else. So there. A one paragraph summary of the mess that took me a half hour to write.

3 Responses »