Parenting Boards Thursday, Sep 4 2008

I am a regular visitor to an internet “Mom” board.  I belong to several subcategories including a large board about stepparenting, a stepparenting debate group (for birthmoms and stepmoms to share viewpoints and opinions and respectfully debate the other) and just a basic debate group.  I have learned one giant truth from participating…

We (women) are our own worst enemy. 

You would think that a couple of common goals would trump everything else.  It doesn’t.  Not only does the fight between birthmothers and stepmothers wage on with a viciousness that only can be accurately described as barbarian, but even between stepmother to stepmother and birthmother to birthmother. 

The women on these boards, I believe for the most part, are truly there to learn something and see other perspectives.  But the stories and other people they describe are what make me truly sad.  I have read horror story after horror story of birthparents causing all sorts of chaos for the stepparents.  Exes unleashing hell on their child’s father.  In reverse, stepmoms and fathers unleashing hell on the exes.  I’m not saying that some of the viciousness isn’t warranted, especially when we are talking about years of difficulty. 

What I am asking is why does it start to begin with?  Why does an ex-wife feel that, just because the divorce ended bad between her and her ex-husband, that she has a right to deny her child(ren) visits and contact with their father? Why does she think she has a right to make things difficult for her child(ren) because her ex moved on and married someone else? Why does an ex-husband feel the need to rehash his life with his ex? Why does he feel the need to belittle the stepmom, whom he chose to marry, and be unsupportive?  Why do stepmoms feel it is their right to make things difficult for a stepchild’s mother, regardless of how the two get along?  I don’t get it.

Believe me, I have my own set of issues with DH’s ex.  I don’t agree with her parenting style.  I get furious at the way she treats my DH now and avoids basic collaboration about their son.  I royally disagree with the fact that she effectively took away DH’s ability to be a true father to their son by moving so damn far away, but in no way does this effect how I respect and treat her as my stepson’s mother.  I share information from when he stays with us.  I let her know my observations.  I respectfully defer to how DH and her agree to raise their son, even if it is in disagreement with my own views.  And I will NEVER disparage her to her son or in front of her son. 

Going back to my original thought though, I just don’t get why women turn on each other so much.  To birthmothers, hate or love the stepmom, we are a part of the village that raises your child.  Work with us.  Give us the tools so we can help you.  Accept the fact that we are now a part of your child’s life.  No it was not your choice and it might not be fair, but life isn’t fair.  Deal with your current circumstance with a therapist, but for the love of God, work with us when it comes to your child(ren).  Most stepmoms do not start out wishing hatred and wrath on either their husband’s ex nor their children.  That evolves after years of dealing with bullshit.

To stepmothers, respect the fact that your husband did have a life before you.  He married (maybe) someone else and they had a child.  It might have been a stupid mistake on their part, but the fact is, it happened.  I’m not going to be the stupid person that says, “You knew what you were getting into.”  The fact of the matter is, you really don’t know what you’re getting into.  But what you do know is this: there is an ex-wife and a child(ren).  Support your DH and his ex to the very best of your ability for the sake of their child(ren).  If you must bitch about the ex (and that inevitably will need to occur to preserve sanity) find appropriate and adult ways of doing so.  But share information with your husband and his ex-wife.  Continue to take the high road even if the ex sucks.  Don’t be the source of resentment by your stepchild(ren) later in life because you made their life more difficult by means of not working with their mother.  Accept the fact that you are last on the totem poll of affection most likely and realize that bad behavior on your part will just alienate you from the child(ren) even if it is their mother’s fault.  Children will notoriously choose to go back with their mother no matter how abusive and/or stupid she is simply because she is the mother.

And to husbands caught in the middle of their ex-wife and current wife…  Oh this is a tough one, but realize this, you are divorced from your ex-wife for a reason, probably many.  YOU ARE NO LONGER MARRIED TO HER.  You have chosen to marry another woman.  You have chosen to integrate her into your life that already exists.  In my opinion, you have married a saint because she even agrees to try to integrate into your past life.  Respect your ex as the mother of your child(ren) and afford her every consideration when it comes to your child(ren) together.  But do not, I repeat DO NOT, uphold her in any way past that.  Respect your current wife in every other aspect and afford her higher consideration than your ex. 

Finally, to all women out there…birthmoms, stepmoms, both, whatever…let’s start banding together as women above all.  There is a child(ren) in the middle of all of this that deserves our support.  Help each other give that child that support.  Any slip by any party has devestating consequences to the child.  Grow up, be adults and let’s start putting the child first!

3 Responses »

 

So Much Drama Sunday, Jul 13 2008

I’ve been visiting other stepparenting blogs reading with some fascination the dialogue that occurs in the comment section.  Stepmoms, birthmoms, both stepmoms and birthmoms, stepmoms without children of their own, stepmoms with children of their own all commenting back and forth about their individual situations.  Each situation IS 100% unique.  As someone pointed out in one comment, there is always consistently one party this is more difficult.  In some cases it is the stepmom; in others it is the birthmom or the ex.  And really, let’s be honest, sometimes it is all of the parties.

Nothing brings out more emotions than talking about natural parents vs. the “unchosen” (aka stepparents).  Let me give some background.  I am adopted.  I was adopted when i was a month old in a private adoption through an agency at a time when state courts felt it best to send a baby along to her new parents with absolutely zero information about where she came from.  EVERYONE is a product of nature and nurture.  Denying a child knowledge of both is a dreadful misdeed.  I grew up with the best parents a child could want.  I love them.  They are my Mom and Dad.

However, as i think is only natural, I wanted to find out about my nature side.  Despite the fact my Mom understands me, I am not like her.  I have her habits, have chosen to adopt many of her values and beliefs, but there are sides to me that she cannot understand by virtue of the fact, we do not share genetics.  For some crazy reason, adopted parents think that this means their adopted child loves them less, thinks less of them or is rejecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I simply wanted to complete the picture of my identity.  And through finding my birthmother and getting to know her, have done more of that.  I am at a level of understanding with myself that has significantly helped me become a better person.

Now, here I am an adoptee, an eating disorder survivor, a divorcee, a 2nd wife, a stepmother and a mother.  All of these titles make me who I am right now and each has given me compassion and empathy towards each part.  As an adoptee, frankly my heart goes out to myself and to my parents.  Despite the fact that I am their child, they have to have looked at me sometimes as they were raising me wondering where on earth I came from and what parts of me coming out were from her, my birthmom?  There are days I look at my stepson (who is now almost 4) and I am beyond frustrated by behaviors that I do not understand, that are in no way part of my husband so I can only assume come from her, his birthmom.  And then I pray for God to give me love that I can give back to him because some days I simply don’t have it in me.  As a divorced person (with no children with my ex), I sympathize with both my husband and his ex for having to deal with each other every day for at least another 14 years.  I would lose my mind if I had to speak with my ex all of the time.  The few times I have had to email mine over loose financial ends, I have been irritated and basically evil all day over the communication.  At least there will be a point where I never hear from him again and vice versa.  For my husband and his ex, that day will only come when one passes away.  As a new mother, I have grown in compassion for my stepson’s mother.  He is living with us for 3 months this summer.  I would go out of my mind if I had to send my son away for 3 months!  As a 2nd wife though, I counter that with the fact that my husband’s ex moved their child away 9 hours so he is without him for 9 months out of the year.

There are so many emotions on every side.  There is no way to even go through them.  Each side has their own perspective and beliefs.  Each side has their own anger, frustrations and hurt.  Each side always feels more justified in those feelings.  So what is the modern family to do?  We all know the statistics.  Divorce isn’t going to go away.  Stepfamilies, step-siblings, exes, new wives, new husbands, etc… is becoming the norm.  “Crazy” ex-wives, deadbeat dads and evil stepmothers are here to stay (all of those titles are tongue in cheek).  Knowing this, how do we all get along?  How does each side wade through all of the advice given and decide what’s right for their individual situation?  How do we foster respect?

I don’t know the answers to any of my questions and musings.  There are days I find myself wholly sympathizing with my husband’s ex and I want to extend the olive branch and other days I want to drive 9 hours so I can personally deliver a hard slap across her face.  Some days I want to love all over my stepson and be supermom and other days I can’t wait for the end of August.

I’m rambling at this point.  Anyone with any comments, feel free to post.  No judgments from me.  I’m a student of human behavior and interaction.  Even if I don’t agree with you or your situation is different, I’m still interested in anything that anyone has to say.

One Response »

 

A Stepmother’s Angst Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

Being a stepmother is NOT easy.  Knowing your husband will talk to his ex-wife for the rest of her life or his life or yours (whichever ends first) is NOT easy.  Knowing that I have to deal with her is NOT easy.  Dealing with my stepson and the fact he is half her is NOT easy.  Dealing with him living with us for the summer after just having my own child is REALLY NOT easy.  Having to balance being a new mom and all of the emotions and sometimes postpartem depression that brings, loving a little being so much that I feel like I am going to burst, being protective of said little being, having a stepson come to live with us for the summer after only 8 weeks with my baby, returning to the workplace to a job I hate, attending to my stepson and helping him and the rest of the family (down to the dog) navigate this new situation, and trying to even out the guilt my husband feels, etc…is the most difficult task I have ever had.

Being so in tune with everyone around me and being able to not only read their emotions and thoughts, but able to see the big picture, context and how they affect everything in their surroundings drives me fucking insane.  (I swear for pure emphasis.)  My stepson is just like his mom in the sense he is chalking up to be a highly sensitive person like her.  And he is confused.  For the love of God no one has explained to him why he is in North Carolina with his mom and his dad is in FL with me.  Then throw in the fact he has a new “baby brother” on top of everything that is his brother but is not from his mommy but they share the same daddy and you have one confused little 4-year old.  I feel his confusion every single day.  And it pains me.  As a result, he has turned into a very needy and whiny child.  He was like this prior to his parents divorce, or at least trending that way, but this has brought it out more.  Despite my empathy and wishing I could help more, I also honestly find myself irritated at his presence.  Irritated at his sensitivities and his lack of being able to do for himself like other children his age.  i get angry that his neediness is pulling his daddy’s attention away from our little baby who also needs his dad.  If I hadn’t had to go back to work, I could fulfill more in my baby boy, but I simply can’t.  Dealing with my job and inevitable corporate drama drains me.  I can’t come home every night to a husband who sits with his 1st son for an hour to console him leaving me with the baby AND dinner to make AND trying to keep the house up after a full day at work. I simply can’t do it.  I’m going to lose my mind.  And get angry.

After a lot of extra time spent on his 1st son tonight, my husband (DH for short) informs me that this type of night needs to happen more often because his son really needs him and it will be good for him etc…  When I try to ask questions or present more balanced scenarios for consideration such as doing things as a family he retorts that “we” are not family to his son…at least not me (implying that our son, his baby brother is).  My suspicion that he had some drawn out discussion with his ex was confirmed by his sudden outburst.  So I quit waiting for him to tell me he had talked to her and just asked.

We resolved the discussion after I was able to articulate why I was hurt and irritated, but it left me angry.  I’m still angry and have been unable to return any affection at the moment.  Despite apologies and a thank you from him to me for explaining why his “presentation” had offended and a promise to work on it, I’m still pissed beyond belief.  i haven’t exactly been able to come up with a why other than feeling offended.

The why is this… Stepparents of ANY kind know they are not instantly family to their stepkids.  And to be honest, my stepson is not family to me yet.  (This aspect seems to always be missing from stepparenting advice givers and the natural parents of the child that has been “stepped”)  He is still a rather foreign person to me that is living in my space, my home, my time, my resources and most of all, my relationship building with my baby.  Yet despite all of this, I love him and I love his father and I am 100% committed to working toward being a family with him.  And then to have the whole he is having a hard time with this and he needs more of his dad’s time and YOU are not his family thrown in my face to tonight…well, it has sent me over some sort of invisible edge.  Part of me wants to remind my husband right now at 11:45 at night that if I’m not family, then I should not be expected to continue to share my bedroom (yes, he’s sleeping in our room), my son (genetics do not entitle you to be family), my time (which right now consists of fulfilling most demands of this child), my money, or any other part of me or my resources with his son.  After all, I’m not family.  THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I?  Some sort of hostess with the mostest? Some sort of Betty Crocker, “here let me do that” and “of course I’ll make you your peanut butter and jelly sandwich even though I’m fixing chicken for everyone else” robot?

I digress.  I’m simply angrily blithering at this point.  More and more anger keeps building up thinking about this and the other thoughts this thought is leading to at the moment.  All of a sudden I’m really tired.  I hate the ex.  I detest her very existence in my life.  No, I had no idea what I was signing myself up for even though I married someone with a child.  I’m feeling hateful towards my husband right now (yes, I still love him though).  But all I want to do right now is go get my sleeping baby out of his crib, drive over to my parents house and curl up with just him in a bed and shut out everyone else.  Boiling it down even further though, all I really want to do is let myself cry.  Despite promising myself that I would let myself go emotionally when necessary, I still find myself tightly bound, controlled and refusing to give in to the tears that need to be shed.  *sigh* I must sleep now.

6 Responses »

 

Having a difficult time Wednesday, Jun 11 2008

I have to admit something. I am having a very difficult time with with my stepson being here. On one hand, I am very happy that both daddy and son get a huge chunk of time together. For both of their well-beings, it is a great thing. However, I’m still struggling so much with viewing him as an invasion. Yes, I knew when I married my husband, he was part of the deal. I love the boy as much as I can. I care for him and am constantly concerned for him. I don’t know what I’m having such a problem. I think it can be boiled down to a few issues. The summer stay was something that came together very quickly and without much warning to me. It went from a week to 11 weeks. My own son with my husband is only 10 weeks old. I had hoped on some more time for just daddy and son #2…but more importantly between mommy and son since I have to go back to work soon. My days are already going to be spent away from him and soon I will have to divide my evening time as well. I’m simply not ready for it. I have no idea how to get over this. I am trying to focus on the good all of this will bring for everyone else, but that still doesn’t help my selfish thoughts.

I’m also upset with my husband constantly saying how bad he feels about Son #1 having to go to daycare during the day while he’s down here. Um…HELLO? His first son got almost 3 years at home with his mother before the divorce and before she had to go back to work. It is normal for three and four year olds to go to some sort of pre-school. It certainly isn’t a stretch for him to be at school at 4-years of age. I feel bad that it is a new school and that he had to leave friends behind, but still, that’s still within the realm of normal.  My son is going to be in daycare at 3 months.  3 MONTHS!  The one he should feel sorry for is the young one who will never be able to experience his mommy caring for him while he is young.  I’m sick about it.

Random ranting…not really productive other than the fact its out there.  Any step-parent suggestions?  I don’t really know what to say when husband keeps asking, “Isn’t this great?”  Umm…not really.

One Response »