Long, bitching post…
This past weekend, DH took SS4 back up to his mom’s after spending 12 weeks with us this summer. My boy, 5 months, is not a good car traveler yet so we thought 18 hours in a car over 2 days might be a little excessive for him at this juncture. So we stayed behind.
DH and I agreed that SS’s old baby furniture would be going back with him since he FINALLY has his own room. So I knew there would be some considerable time spent at BM’s house with unloading his stuff, furniture, etc… Original plan was, in his own words, “get in, see room, set up room, get the hell out.” He called right before he got there and said he would call as soon as he was done.
2 some hours later, still no call. So I called. He had just left. I asked why he was there for so long. Well, apparently her parents were over (they live next door) and he chatted with them for awhile. Then he helped set up the rest of the room and played with his boy for a bit. Then, here’s the kicker, as he was saying goodbye, his son says, “Daddy, hug my mommy.” When neither responded, he grew more insistent saying, “Daddy, hug my mommy NOW.” Neither knew what to do so finally BM said she was ok with it so they gave each other a hug. SS didn’t even pay attention! BM said, “Son, we’re hugging.” He ignored them and then said he was busy playing iwth such and such.
At first I was ok with it, because its not like either wanted to hug. Then I got to thinking…then I got steamed…then I backed off to assess what happened and concluded the following…
No matter how much SS loves me, he wants his Mommy and Daddy back together. Even at 4, he probably gets that they don’t like each other but wants them to and wants them to live together. He has said he wants all of us (me and his 1/2 brother included) to all live together. But the deal is this, I think DH and BM handled that request VERY inappropriately for the following reasons:
1) It was dishonest. They are not getting back together. There is hurt feelings. They do not like each other at the moment. Yet, by “huggin” at their child’s request, they put on a dishonest front. Bad message to send to their child.
2) He wants them back together. He is going to try to manipulate situations to get them to interact more. I mean, what’s next? “Daddy, I want you to kiss my mommy?” Not that either of them would agree to that kind of request, but still. He commanded and they obeyed. It has now set a precendence.
3) To be honest, it violated marital boudnaries. I don’t mind DH hugging people, same sex, opposite sex…whatever. There are situations where a hug is entirely appropriate. I trust him to use his good sense on what these situations are as he does me. However, unless it is an extrenuating circumstance such as a family death or some other equally upsetting situation, I see absolutely NO reason why DH and his ex-wife need to touch each other. This is said with absolutely no jealousy. But the fact of the matter is this, they had a relationship, a marriage, sex, and a child. No matter how unromantic their relationship ended up being or that neither found the other that attractive, it doesn’t change the fact that they know each other in the Biblical sense. I cannot think of one reason why hugging my ex-husband would be appropriate (outside of the ones listed earlier).
I sat DH down and said all of this to him last night. He got mad, not at what I was saying, but how I was saying it. Neither he nor his ex are exactly as relationship oriented as me nor do they understand people and their motivations as quickly as I do. (Not tooting my own horn…I have an extreme ability to instantly empathize with others and get in their heads.) He said that I approached it arrogantly. Aside from my approach, he said they were caught off guard, it wasn’t anything they were expecting and they just wanted to make their son happy. He agreed with all of my reasoning on why their response was inappropriate. He is just uncertain about what to do.
I said that both he and his ex need to start doing some serious research to understand how children view divorce and what they do to cope. I said that 2 years after the fact is rather inexcusable and both of them need to get with the program and quit avoiding. I also said I wanted the matter addressed with his ex so that she understands why it was a bad idea and to formulate a plan to deal with it in the future. I suggested that if something like that happens again, they respond with, “Mommy and Daddy would love to hug on you” redirecting the focus back to their son and affirming that both love him. And I suggested it needed to be discussed with their son. I pointed out that they just successfully put him in control and gave him false hope. DH agreed with me on all counts…but is still unsure how to deal with it.
So the debate is this…what do you think of my response? Am I off base? Off my rocker? Am I right? Does anyone have a similar story? Advice on how DH should deal with this?
Candid comments and respect are appreciated. I think my gut was right but I’m still learning to cope with all of this.
